New Chicago ordinances
Chicago and Illinois residents awoke this morning to a new set of Chicago ordinances. Mayor Daley called an early morning secret meeting of the Chicago City Council. New city ordinances were enacted under the cover of night, surprisingly reminiscent of the Miegs Field Airport closing. The new Chicago ordinances take effect immediately.
- All reporters are hereby prohibited from using the words “clout” and “bribes” in the same sentence with the name of Da Mayor or any council member.
- Parking ticket books will be issued to all Chicagoans who purchase a Chicago city sticker.
- Richard J. Daley is now formally recognized as one of Chicago’s founding fathers.
- Illinois is now officially a suburb of the city of Chicago.
- Lawsuits against the city of Chicago will immediately be dismissed if not filed by an attorney with Machine clout.
- Four-day school week will become the law for teachers. Students will continue to attend school five days per week.
- Old police motto of “To Serve and Protect” on police cruisers will be replaced with “To Curb and Collect.”
- O’Hare Airport passengers are now officially Chicago citizens and must pay property taxes while at O’Hare.
- Lake Michigan is now Lake Chicago.
- St. Patrick’s Day will only be celebrated on March 17.
- Days of the week beginning with the letter “R” or “D” are now parking meter holidays.
- Alternate Leap Days will be designated “The City that Works” Day, whereupon all city workers must work a full day.
- Yesterday’s problems will be deferred to future generations.