I have always been afraid of speaking in public. I avoid speaking whenever possible. However, I ended up becoming a teacher. And now I am a Spanish teacher and a standup comedian.
I was always afraid to speak as a young boy because my first language was Spanish, and I didn’t speak English until I started school. I struggled with both languages through my entire grade school years.
There’s an old joke that goes like this: “What were the worst two years of your life?” “The fourth grade.”
Now, I am still struggling to overcome my stage fright. But now, I am a standup comedian. Each time I perform, I feel a little more comfortable, and a little less nervous. The more I perform, the more confident I feel in myself. All performers admit that they suffer from stage fright, but they have controlled it so well, that is hardly noticeable. I hope to reach that level someday!
I apologize for the dog hair. We have a new dog. It’s a rescue. Now my wife refers to me as one of her two rescues. On the plus side, I now have a best friend, Earl, our rescue dog. Earl is a mutt. They scolded me at the animal shelter for calling him a “mutt.” I’m sorry if I offended anyone, Earl is a mixed breed.
After our previous dog Pluto passed away at eighteen years old, I kept hearing, “Dad, can we get another dog? Dad, I promise to take care of him! Dad, I promise to walk him! Dad, I promise to feed him!” And that was just my wife! Guess what! I now get a lot of exercise walking Earl every morning. And every afternoon. And every night.
There are many benefits to having a dog. In addition to exercising every time I walk Earl, I also get to meet new friends. Since we adopted Earl, I’ve met Louie, Stella, Georgie, and Rocco. Those are just the dogs. I hate to say it, but I can’t name any of my neighbors. When you have a dog, you get to walk around with a bag of dog poop. And no one questions your motives.
After a year of mourning Pluto, my wife and I agreed to adopt a dog from a rescue shelter. We both agreed. No chihuahuas! No pit bulls! We came home with Earl, a great rescue dog! Earl was the name he came with. I liked it because I previously had dogs named Duke, Queenie, and Princess. So, Earl fit right in with the previous lineage of royalty.
Earl doesn’t bark or bite. Perfect! Right? My wife decided to have his DNA done. It turns out that that Earl is half-chihuahua, half-pit bull. Ay, chihuahua! He looks like a chihuahua on steroids. I’m going to have him audition for a Marvel Universe movie. Maybe he can team up with the raccoon. Ay, Chihuahua! The Rescue Dog! All he needs is the cape.
My wife signed us up for obedience classes. But I’m sure the obedience classes were more for me than for Earl. But the classes were very useful. We learned a lot of one-word commands like, “Sit!” “Stay!” “Paw!” We made a good team! Well, after six weeks of obedience classes, even my wife will admit that I am now a very good boy!
When the lockdown was over, we suffered from separation anxiety. Well, mostly me. I missed my little Earl. Oh, yeah, and my wife, too. With Earl, at least someone is happy to see me when I come home now.
When I went back to the classroom, without thinking, I started using dog commands on my students. As the students walked into the classroom, I would say, “Sit!” If they tried to leave class early, I would tell them, “Stay!” When I returned homework, I said, “Paw!” The students didn’t like that.
Yesterday, my wife called me from work to tell me to turn on the air conditioning because it was really hot. I told her I was fine. She said, “No! Not for you! Turn the air on for Earl!”
For instance, have you ever been sitting in the cafeteria, or the computer lab, and you have a feeling that someone is looking at you? Well, you can actually feel that someone looking at you. You look up and that person is actually looking at you! There’s an awkward pause and usually the other person immediately looks away. However, you feel them looking at you again, and when you look up at them, that person quickly looks away feigning innocence.
My question is: How is it possible to feel someone’s gaze on your person? We’ve all experienced it. How do you prove this phenomenon scientifically? None of our usual five senses detect our being looked at. We just know someone is looking at us. When we get this feeling of being watched, rarely are we mistaken.
Well, to be perfectly honest, I, too, have been guilty of staring at strangers in public places. I find some people attractive and/or interesting, and I find myself observing (probably more like staring at) them. Of course, they can feel my gaze, and immediately look up in my direction! Busted! What can I say? I feel guilty of voyeurism. Especially if I continue observing that person after acknowledging my guilty pleasure.
I don’t really believe in ESP or other extrasensory abilities, but I am amazed that we have the ability to sense other people looking at us.
Well, I survived the first week of the semester. I was looking forward to teaching face-to-face in the classroom again, like I did last semester, but UIC decided that we should have classes online for the first two weeks. I miss talking to my students in person. On the plus side, I don’t have to commute 45-90 minutes each way. I took advantage of the situation on the first day of class by teaching in my pajamas. Not the loud Christmas pajamas I saw entire families wearing at the airport on my flight to San Diego. I don’t think anyone realized they were pajamas. At least, I hope not!
It’s great teaching online. I wake up; I take a shower; I eat breakfast; and I fire up my computer. University students adapted easily to online classes, but would rather be in class. They miss the campus activities. And so do I!
I’m trying to start blogging again. I used to blog all the time. Before blogging, I used to write a lot on my electric Royal typewriter. I keep getting the urge to write, but then I keep deferring it. I posted this picture of me from 1982 to inspire me to write like I used to. Let’s see if it works.
I was fortunate enough to be selected to perform at the 8 at 8 at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora, Illinois. I felt this was a proud achievement for me as I struggle to improve as a standup comedian. Watch the video and you be the judge.
“Agog.” That was the answer to the crossword puzzle clue. I forget the exact clue, but the answer was “agog.” Doing the crossword puzzle this morning and seeing the answer “agog” reminded me of my Marine Corps colleague and friend who convinced me to help him complete his crossword puzzle. He assumed I would be helpful since he always saw me reading. Occasionally, he would ask me what I was reading, but I never actually saw him reading a book. Anyway, whenever he saw a crossword puzzle, he looked at it as a challenge. Once he started, he was determined to complete it! When he was stumped, he would ask me for help. I actually don’t remember whether or not I was helpful.
Michael (not his actual name, or maybe it is, but I don’t really remember) was from New York. “Queens!” he would say proudly. In the Marines, we got into a lot of fights because of all of our pent-up energy and competitiveness during a peacetime enlistment after the Vietnam era. Before actually fighting, we would size up our foe by investigating each other’s pugilistic background during the prefight phase known as “selling of wolf tickets.” The first time we met, we almost got into a fight. He shouted that he was from Queens and I shouted that I was from the south side of Chicago. Usually, if a Marine said he was from New York, that meant he was from upstate New York, therefore, he couldn’t fight very well. However, if a Marine said he was from Brooklyn, Flatbush, Harlem, or Queens, like Michael, I would reconsider not fighting. So, we both considered our newly acquired knowledge and decided not to fight each other. In fact, we soon became good friends.
Michael was very competitive. No matter what anyone said, for example, “I ran two miles today,” he would counter with either, “I ran three!” or “I run a lot faster than you!” One day, during our lunchtime basketball pickup game, I told another of our fellow Marines, Mario, that he was very fast on the court. Not only that, but he could also palm the ball and dunk the ball even though he was only five foot eight.
Anyway, when Michael heard me praise Mario’s speed, Michael immediately said, “But I’m faster!” Michael was also fast. In fact, both Mario and Michael were fast, and both were faster than me, so I admired how they sped from one end of the court to the other. Mario took offense to Michael’s boast. From our experience of playing basketball together for months, I was very sure that Mario was faster.
Michael took offense to the fact that Mario took offense to Michael’s boast. So, Michael challenged him to a race, one on one. They would race each other from one end of the court to the other and then return. The first one back to the starting line would be the winner. Just to be fair, I would be the starter. They both lined up behind the baseline and waited for me to say, “On your marks. Get set. Go!” And they took off. Mario reached the opposite baseline first by a lot. Michael sped up and the way back and closed the gap somewhat, but he still lost. Of course, Michael was disappointed to lose to Mario because of their ongoing rivalry over everything. He was a sore loser.
Michael said that Mario had not clearly crossed the opposite baseline when he clearly did. We all said that Mario had crossed the baseline. Michael insisted that Mario had not. Michael insisted on a rematch. Mario accepted the challenge just to humor Michael and quiet him down after he kept insisting that Mario cheated. For the rematch, Michael said that each runner had to run to the opposite baseline, touch the basketball net pole, and then run back. Once again, I was the starter. This time, Michael started off a little faster, and Mario ran just fast enough to stay ahead of Michael. Mario touched the pole and ran back always keeping enough distance to prevent Michael from winning.
Of course, Michael was not happy by his loss. Especially after Mario said, “Cheater’s proof! See I won the first time, too!” He accused Mario of cheating when clearly, he didn’t. Mario was just that much faster than Michael, who kept hemming and hawing for a few minutes.
Finally, Michael said to Mario, “You cheated! Let’s have another race. This time, you have to run around the pole, touch the pole, and then run back.” Mario refused the challenge at first, but then Michael kept needling Mario who wouldn’t accept the challenge because Michael was really faster. So, Mario accepted the challenge just to shut Michael up.
They both lined up the baseline again. Once again, I was the starter. This time, Michael had his best start. He was way ahead of Mario, but Mario caught up to him and stayed slightly behind him. They both went around the pole and tagged it as they ran back. Michael maintained his lead all the way to the finish, but we could all tell that Mario was letting Michael win. We didn’t say anything because we were all hoping we could get back to our basketball game.
“I won! I’m faster than you!” Michael told Mario. We all smiled knowingly to each other. Soon, Michael said, “I won! But Mario cheated! He didn’t touch the pole when we went around!” We all said that Mario had, in fact, slapped the pole so hard that it made a sound.
Michael was still grumbling about his victory. He may have even suspected that Mario let him win. Mario finally said, “Stop your complaining! You won! Okay?”
I would like to thank Noël for asking me to say a few words about Vito. He was one of my oldest friends and I have so many happy memories of the time we spent together. As you all know, his real name is Vytautas Jonas Vitkauskas. But we always called him Vito. Everyone called him Vito. Sometimes he would have to explain that he was a Lithuanian Vito. And not an Italian Vito.
It all started with chess. Vito loved playing chess until the very end. When my family moved to Marquette Park, I made new friends. Among my closest friends were Vito and Jim. First, I met Jim at Gage Park High School in physics class. I didn’t learn much physics because Jim and I always played chess during class. Then, Jim told me about the Mar Par Chessmen, a chess club at the Marquette Park fieldhouse. And there, we met Vito.
Our lives revolved around Marquette Park and the Mar Par Chessmen, which met at the Marquette Park fieldhouse every Tuesday evening. People of all ages came to play chess. There were two things we always remembered about playing at the Mar Par Chessmen. The first was Spans, an older gentleman who never missed a Tuesday night of action-packed chess matches. He was well-known for slamming a chess piece down and yelling, “Check!” at the top of his voice. Even though he lost every game, Spans got great satisfaction saying, “Yeah, but I checked you sixteen times!” We, too, would often imitate Spans when we played chess, slamming down the chess piece and shouting, “Check!”
The second, but not so fond, memory from the Mar Par Chessmen was playing chess in the winter. The fieldhouse was located next to the Marquette Park lagoon. So for three straight hours we were forced to listen to, “Danger! Thin ice! No skating!” Endlessly. Sometimes, when we were nowhere near the park, one of us would mimic the PA voice out of the blue: “Danger! Thin ice! No skating!”
Of course, Vito had other sayings he would often repeat. For example, if I mentioned that perhaps we should turn on the lights, Vito would say, “Light is for those who cannot see!” Or, just out of the blue, he would often say, “‘I see,’ said the blind man as he picked up the hammer and saw.”
We had so much in common, besides chess and living near Marquette Park. We also loved going to the movies together. When I started working and owned my own car, we went to the movies all over Chicago. If Jim or I started talking during the movie, Vito would shush us by saying, “Tyliac!”, Lithuanian for “Hush!”. He would even say it to total strangers who spoke too loudly in the theater. We especially loved comedies. We would always sit in the third row. And we would always sit all the way through the end of the credits. At some point, Vito would erupt into applause during the credits: “Let’s hear it for the key grip!” And I would tell him, “Tyliac!” To this day, I still don’t know what a key grip does.
We also loved going out for pizza, before or after the movie. And on a few occasions, before and after the movie. So every weekend we would go to the show and go out to eat pizza two or three times. On Friday night, I would call Vito and start telling him about my week and Vito would cut me off. He would say, “Stop talking right now. Otherwise, we won’t have anything to talk about when we go out.”
Vito was our activity planner. Because of Vito, I saw a few plays I would have never seen on my own. I went to a Sting concert because of Vito. We also went to see Larry Rand in concert for the last show at the Amazing Grace in Evanston because of Vito. As a side note, I am now friends with Larry Rand on Facebook because of Vito. Now that I think of it, I joined Facebook because of Vito.
As we matured, our interests broadened. We sometimes went running in Marquette Park together. When I started going to kung fu classes, Vito started going with me. On lazy Sunday afternoons, we would hang out at my apartment and read the Sunday newspapers. Vito had such a calming effect on everyone. He was a very nice person to have around.
I still remember our university days at Champaign-Urbana. Of the three of us, Jim was the only officially registered U of I student. But Vito and I would visit Jim on weekends. We still fondly recall our college days together.
I never knew when Vito and Jim would come over to my apartment unexpectedly and announce that we were going on a road trip. Well, I thought those road trips were over when my first son was born. However, Vito and Jim taught me otherwise. One Saturday morning, I’m home with my three-year-old son when I hear a knock on my door. Well, it was Vito and Jim announcing that we were going to Mount Baldy in Indiana. Like we used to. I thought I would get out of it by saying I had to watch my son. But, no! They said I could bring my son along. We had a lot of fun that day at Mount Baldy! Vito brought his camera, so I still have pictures of that trip.
Jim continued with his university studies. I joined the Marines. Vito joined the Navy, where he studied journalism. When I started writing for some local running publications, Vito gave me his notes from his Navy journalism classes, which really improved my writing.
I was stationed in California when I came back to Chicago for my first furlough from Marine boot camp. Of course, I had to visit all my family and friends. So, Vito and I drove to the north side for pizza. Even though I was watching the time, I got a ticket for rush hour parking. I looked at my watch again in disbelief. Vito finally asked me, “Did you set your watch to Chicago time?” I then realized that my watch was still set to California time. I was going to pay for the ticket because I would be back in California before the court date. But Vito volunteered to represent me in court. I insisted on just paying the ticket. But Vito insisted on representing me in court, and so he did. He explained to the judge that I was a U.S. Marine on furlough from California and that I had forgotten to set my watch to the correct time. He must have been persuasive, because the judge dismissed my parking ticket.
Over time, many of our interests changed. All of them except our love of comedy. Especially standup comedy. In the late 1970s, Vito, Jim, and I all started performing standup comedy. And all these years, we never lost our sense of humor. We even wrote a comedy skit based on the Marx Brothers. A parody of the Marx Brothers, if that’s at all possible. I was Groucho, Jim was Harpo, and Vito was Chico. I had forgotten all about it until Jim recently sent me a copy of the script. We really put a lot of effort into it and finished writing the skit, but we never actually performed it. But we were still proud of our accomplishment.
Last year, I decided to get back into comedy and I recruited Vito to help me write some jokes. I had used his jokes in the past. And they were usually funnier than mine. So, he helped me write some new jokes. He even told me about all the new comedy venues with open mics. It was just like the old days when Vito, Jim, and I were supportive of each other. He told me about this café called Kibbitznest where they had a comedy open mic night. I think he was more enthusiastic about me performing than I was. We actually had a lot of fun going to these open mics together. Despite me being nervous because of my looming performance, I really enjoyed performing and spending time with Vito. And I also enjoyed watching Vito enjoying himself. He recorded my performances and you can hear him laughing in the background. He took notes on a lot of the comedians. After each of my performances, he gave me lots of constructive criticism, which I have used to improve my act. Vito was tempted to also perform at a comedy open mic. He almost did. But I think he was just happier working behind the scenes.
A while back, I reminded Vito of my encounter with his father. Vito was happy to be reminded of his father. When Vito lived on the northside near Humboldt Park, I went to pick him up at his father’s house. I knocked on the door and Vito’s father answered. “Is Vito home?” I asked. “I’m Vito,” his father said. So, I asked, “Is Vito Junior home?” Vito’s father said, “I’m Vito Junior,” and he just smiled. “Okay,” I said, “Is Vito the third home?” And he said, “Well why didn’t you say so? Vito the third’s not home.” Vito was a lot like his father. Like father, like son.
When Vito met Noël, he couldn’t wait to introduce me to her. He told me that they were taking tango lessons. So, we said we would meet at an Argentine restaurant near my house. But in typical Vito fashion, he took Noël to a gun range first because she had never shot a gun before. Well, we had a very memorable meal together.
I will especially remember the last few times we hung out at Kibbitznest. We both worked really hard for my return to the comedy open mic scene. And we really had a lot of fun hanging out with all the comedians. And then we went to Jim’s house and Vito proudly showed the video of me performing at Kibbitznest to Jim and Ted.
Throughout our friendship, even when we were thousands of miles apart, Vito was never far from my thoughts. He was a different kind of friend. Vito was always honest, but never hurtful. He knew how to keep a conversation going, without making anyone feel pressured to participate. When I look back at our friendship over the years, I realize that he never complained about anything. He just accepted everything life dished out at him. He was never pessimistic. I always felt good when Vito was around.
I will always remember Vito. Vito will always be my friend.
I will perform at The Comedy Shrine on Friday, March 6, 2020.
I was surprised to get asked to perform in the first place. I have steadily improved my act over the last nine months since I started doing the standup comedy open mics again.
Just as everyone seems to be abandoning Facebook, standup comedians rely on it for maintaining contact with other comedians. First, I received a friend request, which I immediately accepted because it was from a comedian I had seen perform. After I accepted his friend request, he then messaged me asking me if I had ten minutes of material. When I said I did, he asked me if I wanted to perform at The Comedy Shrine on Friday, March 6, 2020. Of course, I did!
And to think that someone else noticed that my act was improving. The pay for this show will be a videotape of my performance. So now I have to drum some audience members so we have a full house for the videotaping.
Okay, as you’ve probably already guessed, yes, that’s why I’m writing this post! I would like to invite all my readers to come out to The Comedy Shrine to come see me perform standup comedy. Of course, there will be other great standup comedians, too. If you see the show, your laughter will also be recorded!