Tag: college

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Higher Education


Bachelor of Arts degree certificate awarded to Emily Jane Smith by State University on May 18, 2024
Emily Jane Smith’s Bachelor of Arts diploma from DUH! University

Do you ever feel just plain stupid? Take this little quiz to test your lack of intelligence. What is the only university that has a motto in Pig Latin? DUH®! What is the only university to have a dodo for a mascot? DUH®! What is the only university that has no admission standards? DUH®! Where should you attend college? DUH®! That’s right, attend the Dummies’s’s [sic] Univercity [sic] Hinstitute™ [sic] (DUH®) because we have the best courses just for you. By the way, our motto is “Ummies‑day Ule‑ray, Ains‑bray Ool‑dray.”

Do you want to improve your appearance as an intelligent being without wasting hours on studying? The Scarecrow’s intelligence increased exponentially when the Wizard of Oz awarded him a college degree! Well, degrees are us! We shall award you a slick‑looking diploma, too. Learn how to assert yourself with authority by saying, “I didn’t know that!” with conviction. We will teach you to master the blank stare. Hey, we could write a book on what you don’t know.

The democratization of a university education is finally knocking on your door. In other words, it’s even available to you. Apply at the only university with guaranteed acceptance. DUH® accepts everyone.

Did you drop out of high school? Wow! You have that much education? You are eligible for immediate acceptance! Did you drop out before the third grade? We have a special remedial curriculum that will bring you up to speed within ten easy payments. You say you are completely illiterate? Not to worry! We have a special entrance exam just for you, administered to you by professional mimes. Does that sound easy enough? Yes, it is that easy! Kindergarten was never this easy. There are no college dropouts at DUH®. Tuition is not only affordable, but we also provide financial aid via a major credit card. However, you must be able to provide the card number and expiration date by email or telephone. Supplemental employment is available through the Crash Test Dummies Institute. No degrees will be conferred until all financial obligations are met. Once you enroll, you remain an active student via our mass mailings.

Tired of failing those easy 101 courses at a real university? Well, you are guaranteed to pass every one of our courses since all the courses are at the 000 level. They are not at all very demanding. There are no homework assignments. Attendance is optional. Best of all, you will not fail any exams since there are no exams to take.

If you think registration is easy, just wait until you see our college catalogue full of 000 level courses. Philosophy 000: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding the Meaning of Life. Computer Science 000: Artificial Intelligence for Dummies. Business 000: In Search of Mediocrity. English 000: The Complete First Lines of Shakespeare.

And in order for you to meet the foreign language requirement, we offer: Spanish 000 for estúpidos, German 000 for dummkopfs, Italian 000 for idiotas, Yiddish 000 for schlemiels, French 000 for American tourists, and English 000 for taxi drivers.

DUH® also offers a dumbed down version of classic literature. You will learn how to comment on the great works assertively. Rather than saying, “I didn’t like it,” you will catchy phrases to create the illusion of actually having read the work. Goldilocks and the Three Bears: “If it does not fit, you must acquit.” War and Peace: “Why can’t we all just get along?” Moby Dick: “See what happens when you don’t follow company policy!” The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire: “It had its ups and downs.” The Scarlet Letter: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Oedipus Rex: “He was just a mama’s boy. That’s because he had a face only a mother could love. But at least there was no love lost between mother and son. The family that plays together, stays together.” And coming soon from DUH® Press: Famous Dummies for Idiots, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dummies, and The Dumbing Down of America: Our Generation’s Legacy.

DUH® also has a perpetual Spring Break. That’s right no matter what the season, somewhere in the world has the perfect conditions for that wild, party hearty Spring Break that you missed because you never attended college. (Notice how we didn’t refer to it as Bacchanalian or Dionysian!) Have fun while you earn valuable credits that count toward graduation. For the real college graduate who has a real degree and had a real Spring Break, DUH® also offers a refresher Spring Break for zero credit hours available year-round.

So where will you go for that college degree you always wanted? DUH®! You may already be a graduate. Please bring a major credit card.

caricature of author at end of post
DDR

Escuela


Mexico D.F.

Be careful when talking about schools in Spanish! If you’re talking about school in the general sense, use escuela. For grade school, elementary school, and grammar school, use escuela primaria. For high school, use escuela preparatoria, escuela secundaria, colegio, or instituto. Unfortunately, there is no term for junior high school. When you graduate high school, you attend la universidad. Do not use colegio because colegio refers to high school. College and colegio are false cognates. If you attended a junior college or a community college, you must use universidad because junior and community colleges do not exist in the Spanish speaking world. 

Students in the general sense are estudiantes. If you are a college or university student, you are either an estudiante, alumno, or alumno subgraduado. Graduate students are alumnos graduados or alumnos de posgrado. 

Be careful what you call the teachers! Grade school and high school teachers are maestros  or maestras. High school teachers may also be profesor or profesora. College and university professors are either profesor(-a) or doctor(-a).

DDR

Rebeca


Con mi prima Bequi en su fiesta de graduación, México DF.

One of the highlights of my trip to Mexico was going to my cousin Becky’s college graduation party! Becky invited me last summer when I visited with my sons, so I planned to go to México for it. She graduated as an engineer in December and from now on she will be addressed by her official title of ingeniera. As part of her curriculum, she had to learn English because it’s an international business language. So when she couldn’t take courses she needed in Spanish because they were closed, she would take them in English. We went to see The Day the Earth Stood Still, El día que se detuvo la Tierra in Spanish, and Becky insisted that we see it in English with Spanish subtitles. In many Mexican theaters you have the option of watching movies dubbed in Spanish or in the original English language with Spanish subtitles. Unlike when I was boy, the movies come out at the same time in Mexico as in the U.S.

This was such a cool graduation party! We went to the Ex-Convento de San Hipólito near the Zócalo in downtown México City. There is a courtyard in the middle of the building, but they put up a temporary roof in case it rained. We arrived at 9:30 pm, even though the party officially started at 9:00, and many graduates and their guests were still arriving. Becky had a table for ten reserved for her. Her parents, my cousin Mara and her husband Enrique, Becky, six of Becky’s friends, and me sat at that table. There was a DJ playing music until the evening program began.A few students gave speeches and each table cheered on their graduate. Click on the link below to hear Becky’s.

And, of course, there were Mariachis. Everyone who wanted to drink brought their own liquor. The waiters for our table would then mix our drinks. We had tequila, so the waiter made me a Paloma, tequila with Squirt (Esquirt in México). This custom was something foreign to me. For some strange reason, one of the waiters kept speaking to me in English. The waiters served us our dinner, but I can’t even remember what we ate! After dinner, there was dancing. Everyone danced except me. That is until Mara asked me to dance. My cousin-in-law Enrique commented that I danced like an American because I didn’t raise my hands above my head.

Each graduate was seated at a table for ten, for family and guests. Throughout the night, tables would cheer on their graduate. They would erupt into cheer unexpectedly. Click the link below to hear our table cheering Rebeca proudly.

Rebeca’s Graduation Party

The party roared all night long. About 6:30 am, the waiters started asking us if we wanted coffee and chilaquiles, fried tortillas with eggs. That was the one thing I loved about the party. We didn’t have to forage for food after the party as we usually do in Chicago. As the evening progressed, the waiters became friendlier with us and talked with us when they weren’t busy. The one who spoke English to me was especially friendly. I told him I could tell he had lived in the U.S. At first he denied it, but then admitted to living and working in Las Vegas for about eight years. But he came back to Mexico because he missed his family. I asked him why he spoke to me in English. He told me that he thought I was Canadian! Go figure!

Well, the party was a lot of fun! When we got home, we immediately went to bed because when we woke up, we were driving to Ixtapa Zihuatanejo!

DDR

Stuff White People Like


Stuff White People Like on my iPhone.

I started reading the blog Stuff White People Like about two months after it started up. I think I read about it on the Internet somewhere and I checked it out. I really enjoyed reading it and found myself laughing out loud many times.

Then, one day, I thought, “I could write for this blog.” So, I contacted Christian Lander and asked him if he accepted freelance submissions. He said that he would, but that he had just signed a book deal and they didn’t want a lot of other new writers now. I understood perfectly. But for some strange reason, I had really, really wanted to write one post for the Stuff White People Like. I tossed around several ideas in my head during my idle moments–of which I seem to have more and more with each passing day. But I never actually wrote anything down, as I am wont to do.

Soon the blog announced the forthcoming publication of the Stuff White People Like book and there was much excitement in the blog’s comments. I commented that I wouldn’t buy the book since I had already read all the posts and comments on the Internet for free. As it turned out, the book version had several new never-before-read entries. However, I still refused to buy the book and ended up reading it for free at the Borders bookstore in two visits!

Before the book’s release, Lander announced that there would be a contest for the best post written for Stuff White People Like. The prize? A free copy of the book. I immediately sprang at the opportunity to write for this blog. There were hundreds of entries. Since there were so many good entries, the first prize was expanded to the top five best entries. In addition to the free book, the winners would also receive a subscription to The Onion.  Well, the first winner was announced and there were scores of complaints about the quality of the entry. Commentators complained that it wasn’t written in the same style, that it wasn’t funny, etc. With each winning entry announced, the complaints grew more vocal. Soon, readers started posting their own submissions in the comments. Okay, so did I! And since I wrote it, I’m posting it here for the sake of posterity! 🙂

The dream job for the English major.

English Major

When choosing a college major, white people often choose the tried and true English major rather than the last resort of Undeclared. When asked why, they will give the convincingly believable reason that an English major will help them get accepted into law or med school. Worst case scenario is that they can always go to grad school for that arts degree and work at the local coffee shop and be the most intelligent, misunderstood barista there. Being misunderstood adds to the mystique of the English major.

Whenever a college student announces that he or she is an English major, be sure to state, “But you already know English!” This will reaffirm his or her belief that no understands the value of a great liberal arts program. When speaking to an English major, whether a current student or a proud graduate, always comment on how well they speak English and how flawless their grammar is. Also mention the decline of the English language since the Elizabethan Era. Many English majors have learned some very funny jokes while enduring long, boring seminars on Chaucer and the Romance of the Rose. They will even share these jokes with you if you let your guard down. English majors are proud of the fact that they are English speakers.

When engaging in a conversation with an English major, be sure to nod in agreement but never interrupt. There is no need to start an argument with an English major. Oftentimes, he or she will start one without your assistance. For example, the conversation may suddenly turn to The Wasteland, and without your aid, he or she will begin arguing whether T.S. Eliot was American or British. Be sure not to get involved in the argument. You will not win. If you would like to change the subject of the argument, simply mention how you always felt that the Nobel Committee screwed James Joyce.

In order to gain the confidence and friendship of an English major, be sure to ask about his or her writing: “What are you working on now?” But don’t expect an answer immediately. In fact, don’t expect to learn any details about anything he or she has ever written. He or she will tell about how difficult it is to write. Be sure to ask to read a recent work. Of course, the reply will be, “I haven’t let anyone read it yet. Very few people will understand all the literary allusions.” Give them a consoling look and say, “It must be hard to write with all the long hours you put in at the coffee shop.”

DDR

Rock, paper, scissors


Rock, Paper, Scissors

You may think that rock, paper, scissors is only a child’s game, but they actually have a world championship in which contestants from all over the world compete.

Well, that got me to thinking about the game. This is a game for all ages. The entire family can play. There’s no equipment to buy. The rules are simple and cheating is impossible. Chances are no one will get hurt while playing, unless college students play it as a drinking game.

The game is easy to play. Everyone forms a circle and makes a fist that is raised and lowered three times. On the third downward stroke, the hand must form one of three things: Rock (fist), Paper (hand held open with palm down), or Scissors (index and middle fingers mimicking a pair of scissors). Rock breaks Scissors. Paper covers Rock. Scissors cut Paper. The beauty of this game is that no one player has an unfair advantage. Size doesn’t matter. Neither does gender or speed. Not even skill or luck! Everyone has a shot at winning. Each item, is a potential winner or loser. Beauty, eh? It’s a great game for choosing who goes first for another game.

Well, we are like each of those items. We, too, possess this duality that coincides beautifully with the yin and yang symbol. We are a rock in that sometimes we must be strong and forceful, but that won’t always work for us because someone who becomes paper will defeat us. So we have to choose what we become carefully. Unlike a game in which chance plays a huge part because we don’t know what the other player(s) will show, in real life we can adapt to the situation and use the appropriate object. We must constantly change accordingly. Anyone who consistently uses one object will surely fail. We must constantly evaluate our surroundings and adapt. Rock, paper, scissors is the perfect metaphor for life.

DDR