Here and now


Gameworks, Schaumburg, Illinois

I have always believed that I am very adaptable and that I could survive anywhere in the world. In fact, I’ve always fantasized that if you flew me anywhere in the world blindfolded and pushed me out of an airplane, I would somehow live and prosper because of my survival skills. Since I have never gone skydiving, you would have to blindfold me and you would have to push me very firmly to get me to jump out of a perfectly fully functioning, flying airplane. Not jumping out of airplanes is one of my innate survival skills that I highly value. I have never had the urge to go skydiving. When I was in the Marines, a few of my friends wanted me to go skydiving, but I am afraid of heights, so I went to the library instead. And, thus, I live to tell this tale!

Anyway, despite knowing that I’m very adaptable and can get along with just about anyone, just about anywhere, I always get this vague feeling that I’m always in the wrong place and the wrong time. I often feel that I do not belong right here where I am right now, if you know what I mean. It’s an eerie feeling that’s difficult to describe. No matter where I am, I feel as if I should be somewhere else. As a boy, I truly thought that I was born into the wrong family. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be born to a Mexican family because I certainly didn’t fit in. When I was in Mexico, I thought I should be in Chicago, until I returned to Chicago where I felt that I really belonged in Mexico. I wasn’t born in the right era either. I should have been a medieval scribe of some sort. Or, I should have been born in New York City in the early 1900s. If I’m with my friends, I feel as if I should be with my sons and family. If I’m with my sons, I feel as if I should be with my girlfriend, but when I’m with her I wish I could be with her, and my sons, family, and friends. As I write this, I feel guilty for not working on my tax return or correcting Spanish compositions. When I’m teaching, I think about how nice it would be to stay home. Now, that I’m on spring break, I miss my students. What should I do? Maybe I should jump out of a plane.

Where am I going? Where did I come from? Where do I belong?

5 thoughts on “Here and now

  1. I must admit that when I wrote this post my mind was elsewhere, as usual. I don’t try to confuse anyone, but sometimes my writing is quite cryptic because of its circular logic. So I’m pleasantly surprised when someone tells me that they understood what I meant! 🙂 Equally satisfying are responses whose intent isn’t initially apparent. 🙂

  2. Poor Natalie, but that could be the objective of the post, not to mention my responses.
    Unless of course you are of a mindset to understand it immediately, such as I did!
    It might also help that I used to live in Chicago, so the writer makes alot of sense to me, even though I was never of Mexican descent nor of the Catholic religion!

  3. I’m tempted to drag you into Second Life (SL) to play but you might feel guilty for being there instead of doing so many other things in real life (RL), which you probably need a good break from anyway! Email me just in case? Are we confused yet?

  4. OMFG, someone else thinks just like me??? I always feel like I should be doing the opposite of what I’m doing or should be somewhere else or with someone else instead of where I am or who I am with! Maybe it started when I realized not everyone was an identical twin like me and had better things or whatever… there were options “out there”! I could bore you with more stories but I am in the middle of decorating whatever # of place in my third alt of Second life, or is it my 5th? (I deleted two, so do they count?) Maybe I’m really a neko with nine lives plus various human ones? *cackles hysterically and scampers off to play with more virtual things since real life sucks*

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