In Mexico, I was surprised when my cousin handed me a bag of potatoes and a potato peeler. She actually wanted me to peel potatoes! In the past, whenever I went to Mexico, I was never allowed in the kitchen while the women cooked. So I sat down at the kitchen table and actually peeled potatoes while my cousin and my aunt prepared the New Year’s Eve dinner. Amazingly, there were two other males in the kitchen helping with the cooking. Mexico is changing. I remember when I was a boy and my mother and aunts were making tamales, I got kicked out of the kitchen while they were preparing the tamales. Once my mother made tortillas and she let me roll one tortilla, but then she kicked me out of the kitchen. My abuelita never even let me try to cook anything when she lived with us in Chicago. Now that I think back, most Mexicanas always tried to discourage me from helping in the kitchen. But I think that it’s a conspiracy. Because then when you meet American girls, one of the first things they ask is, “What can you cook?” And if you ever go to their place for dinner, they test your culinary talents by making you help with the dinner. They’ll let you cook the entire meal if you’re able. But if you’re like me and grew up in a traditional Mexican family, you won’t be able to do much more than warm up tortillas! And they’ll settle for you washing the lettuce.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed. Jack and Jill were tripped. Goldilocks was framed. Sleeping beauty was over-medicated. The chicken crossed the road because of housing discrimination. The Puss in Boots used steroids. The Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe had so many baby daddies she didn’t know what to do. The race between the tortoise and the hare was fixed. Hansel and Gretel were domestic violence victims. Rapunzel wore hair extensions. Little Bo Peep posed nude for Playboy. Alice in Wonderland dropped some bad acid. Snoopy was spayed. Miss Piggy dropped out of finishing school. The Ogre failed to take court-mandated anger management classes. The Emperor’s new clothes were stolen. The Black Cat was the target of yellow journalism. Prince Charming was a jerk. Mary had a little lamb because she was abducted by extraterrestrials. All the Big Bad Wolf needed was a hug. Cinderella was anorexic. The fire-breathing dragon had an extremely large carbon footprint. Lady Godiva had a wardrobe malfunction. The Three Blind Mice were born near a nuclear power plant. Jack’s beanstalk was genetically altered. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum were clones. The Seven Dwarfs were gay. The Farmer in the Dell had a condo in the city. The Farmer’s Wife slept with the traveling salesman. Jimmy cracked corn and he don’t care ‘cuz he’s takin’ the Fifth! The London Bridge is falling down and the engineer is hiring a lawyer. The Beauty and the Beast were cousins. Jiminy Cricket was a Wiccan. The Fairy Godmother was heterosexual. Snow White falsely claimed the Seven Dwarfs as dependents. Pinocchio’s lies caused deforestation. All fairy tales are plagiarism!