The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Higher Education

Do you ever feel just plain stupid? Take this little quiz to test your lack of intelligence. What is the only university that has a motto in Pig Latin? DUH^®! What is the only university to have a dodo for a mascot? DUH^®! What is the only university that has no admission standards? DUH^®! Where should you attend college? DUH^®! That’s right, attend the Dummies’s’s [sic] Univercity [sic] Hinstitute™ [sic] (DUH^®) because we have the best courses just for you. By the way, our motto is “Ummies‑day Ule‑ray, Ains‑bray Ool‑dray.”

Do you want to improve your appearance as an intelligent being without wasting hours on studying? The Scarecrow’s intelligence increased exponentially when the Wizard of Oz awarded him a college degree! Well, degrees are us! We shall award you a slick‑looking diploma, too. Learn how to assert yourself with authority by saying, “I didn’t know that!” with conviction. We will teach you to master the blank stare. Hey, we could write a book on what you don’t know.

The democratization of a university education is finally knocking on your door. In other words, it’s even available to you. Apply at the only university with guaranteed acceptance. DUH^® accepts everyone.

Did you drop out of high school? Wow! You have that much education? You are eligible for immediate acceptance! Did you drop out before the third grade? We have a special remedial curriculum that will bring you up to speed within ten easy payments. You say you are completely illiterate? Not to worry! We have a special entrance exam just for you, administered to you by professional mimes. Does that sound easy enough? Yes, it is that easy! Kindergarten was never this easy. There are no college dropouts at DUH^®. Tuition is not only affordable, but we also provide financial aid via a major credit card. However, you must be able to provide the card number and expiration date by email or telephone. Supplemental employment is available through the Crash Test Dummies Institute. No degrees will be conferred until all financial obligations are met. Once you enroll, you remain an active student via our mass mailings.

Tired of failing those easy 101 courses at a real university? Well, you are guaranteed to pass every one of our courses since all the courses are at the 000 level. They are not at all very demanding. There are no homework assignments. Attendance is optional. Best of all, you will not fail any exams since there are no exams to take.

If you think registration is easy, just wait until you see our college catalogue full of 000 level courses. Philosophy 000: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding the Meaning of Life. Computer Science 000: Artificial Intelligence for Dummies. Business 000: In Search of Mediocrity. English 000: The Complete First Lines of Shakespeare.

And in order for you to meet the foreign language requirement, we offer: Spanish 000 for estúpidos, German 000 for dummkopfs, Italian 000 for idiotas, Yiddish 000 for schlemiels, French 000 for American tourists, and English 000 for taxi drivers.

DUH^® also offers a dumbed down version of classic literature. You will learn how to comment on the great works assertively. Rather than saying, “I didn’t like it,” you will catchy phrases to create the illusion of actually having read the work. Goldilocks and the Three Bears: “If it does not fit, you must acquit.” War and Peace: “Why can’t we all just get along?” Moby Dick: “See what happens when you don’t follow company policy!” The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire: “It had its ups and downs.” The Scarlet Letter: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Oedipus Rex: “He was just a mama’s boy. That’s because he had a face only a mother could love. But at least there was no love lost between mother and son. The family that plays together, stays together.” And coming soon from DUH^® Press: Famous Dummies for Idiots, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dummies, and The Dumbing Down of America: Our Generation’s Legacy.

DUH^® also has a perpetual Spring Break. That’s right no matter what the season, somewhere in the world has the perfect conditions for that wild, party hearty Spring Break that you missed because you never attended college. (Notice how we didn’t refer to it as Bacchanalian or Dionysian!) Have fun while you earn valuable credits that count toward graduation. For the real college graduate who has a real degree and had a real Spring Break, DUH^® also offers a refresher Spring Break for zero credit hours available year-round.

So where will you go for that college degree you always wanted? DUH^®! You may already be a graduate. Please bring a major credit card.