Tag: university

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Higher Education


Bachelor of Arts degree certificate awarded to Emily Jane Smith by State University on May 18, 2024
Emily Jane Smith’s Bachelor of Arts diploma from DUH! University

Do you ever feel just plain stupid? Take this little quiz to test your lack of intelligence. What is the only university that has a motto in Pig Latin? DUH®! What is the only university to have a dodo for a mascot? DUH®! What is the only university that has no admission standards? DUH®! Where should you attend college? DUH®! That’s right, attend the Dummies’s’s [sic] Univercity [sic] Hinstitute™ [sic] (DUH®) because we have the best courses just for you. By the way, our motto is “Ummies‑day Ule‑ray, Ains‑bray Ool‑dray.”

Do you want to improve your appearance as an intelligent being without wasting hours on studying? The Scarecrow’s intelligence increased exponentially when the Wizard of Oz awarded him a college degree! Well, degrees are us! We shall award you a slick‑looking diploma, too. Learn how to assert yourself with authority by saying, “I didn’t know that!” with conviction. We will teach you to master the blank stare. Hey, we could write a book on what you don’t know.

The democratization of a university education is finally knocking on your door. In other words, it’s even available to you. Apply at the only university with guaranteed acceptance. DUH® accepts everyone.

Did you drop out of high school? Wow! You have that much education? You are eligible for immediate acceptance! Did you drop out before the third grade? We have a special remedial curriculum that will bring you up to speed within ten easy payments. You say you are completely illiterate? Not to worry! We have a special entrance exam just for you, administered to you by professional mimes. Does that sound easy enough? Yes, it is that easy! Kindergarten was never this easy. There are no college dropouts at DUH®. Tuition is not only affordable, but we also provide financial aid via a major credit card. However, you must be able to provide the card number and expiration date by email or telephone. Supplemental employment is available through the Crash Test Dummies Institute. No degrees will be conferred until all financial obligations are met. Once you enroll, you remain an active student via our mass mailings.

Tired of failing those easy 101 courses at a real university? Well, you are guaranteed to pass every one of our courses since all the courses are at the 000 level. They are not at all very demanding. There are no homework assignments. Attendance is optional. Best of all, you will not fail any exams since there are no exams to take.

If you think registration is easy, just wait until you see our college catalogue full of 000 level courses. Philosophy 000: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding the Meaning of Life. Computer Science 000: Artificial Intelligence for Dummies. Business 000: In Search of Mediocrity. English 000: The Complete First Lines of Shakespeare.

And in order for you to meet the foreign language requirement, we offer: Spanish 000 for estúpidos, German 000 for dummkopfs, Italian 000 for idiotas, Yiddish 000 for schlemiels, French 000 for American tourists, and English 000 for taxi drivers.

DUH® also offers a dumbed down version of classic literature. You will learn how to comment on the great works assertively. Rather than saying, “I didn’t like it,” you will catchy phrases to create the illusion of actually having read the work. Goldilocks and the Three Bears: “If it does not fit, you must acquit.” War and Peace: “Why can’t we all just get along?” Moby Dick: “See what happens when you don’t follow company policy!” The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire: “It had its ups and downs.” The Scarlet Letter: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Oedipus Rex: “He was just a mama’s boy. That’s because he had a face only a mother could love. But at least there was no love lost between mother and son. The family that plays together, stays together.” And coming soon from DUH® Press: Famous Dummies for Idiots, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dummies, and The Dumbing Down of America: Our Generation’s Legacy.

DUH® also has a perpetual Spring Break. That’s right no matter what the season, somewhere in the world has the perfect conditions for that wild, party hearty Spring Break that you missed because you never attended college. (Notice how we didn’t refer to it as Bacchanalian or Dionysian!) Have fun while you earn valuable credits that count toward graduation. For the real college graduate who has a real degree and had a real Spring Break, DUH® also offers a refresher Spring Break for zero credit hours available year-round.

So where will you go for that college degree you always wanted? DUH®! You may already be a graduate. Please bring a major credit card.

caricature of author at end of post
DDR

Escuela


Mexico D.F.

Be careful when talking about schools in Spanish! If you’re talking about school in the general sense, use escuela. For grade school, elementary school, and grammar school, use escuela primaria. For high school, use escuela preparatoria, escuela secundaria, colegio, or instituto. Unfortunately, there is no term for junior high school. When you graduate high school, you attend la universidad. Do not use colegio because colegio refers to high school. College and colegio are false cognates. If you attended a junior college or a community college, you must use universidad because junior and community colleges do not exist in the Spanish speaking world. 

Students in the general sense are estudiantes. If you are a college or university student, you are either an estudiante, alumno, or alumno subgraduado. Graduate students are alumnos graduados or alumnos de posgrado. 

Be careful what you call the teachers! Grade school and high school teachers are maestros  or maestras. High school teachers may also be profesor or profesora. College and university professors are either profesor(-a) or doctor(-a).

DDR

UIC SOS


The international symbol of distress.

Teaching is very rewarding in many ways, but just not financially. My alma mater and present employer, the University of Illinois at Chicago (UIC), is suffering from budget problems. Well, the whole country is suffering from these hard economic times. UIC is suffering because the state of Illinois isn’t paying UIC what it is owed and therefore hirings of new faculty and staff have ceased. Faculty and staff must take unpaid furlough days to meet the budget shortfall–in addition to the budget recissions already implemented over the past few years. Illinois has one of the worst budget crises in the country, second only to California.

Of course, my job security is also on the line. My contract as a Spanish lecturer with UIC expires on May 15, 2010. Will I be rehired next year? No one knows with any certainty. We’ll see. The good news for me is that I don’t have to take any unpaid furlough days. The bad news is that I don’t earn enough to take furlough days. I feel the budget cuts in so many ways. I can’t call anyone on my office telephone outside of the Chicago area codes. Every year I’m allowed to make fewer and fewer copies of student handouts. Luckily for me, Spanish is the foreign language most in demand at UIC. Unfortunately, gone is the golden age when everyone who earned a Ph.D. would more than likely get a job in academia!

DDR

Why study Spanish?


I’ve been teaching college Spanish for twelve years now. Every student has his or her own reason for studying Spanish.  Most college students take Spanish because of the foreign language requirement. I remember one of these students who barely passed the course. When I corrected the first exam, I felt bad for her because she had only earned a D. When she saw her exam grade, she shouted, “Yes!” I was worried that perhaps I had given her the wrong grade. The entire class turned to look at her. She then shouted, “Yes, I got a D!” She was so proud of herself. She went through this ritual after every exam. I gave her a final grade of D for the course. The next semester, I saw her in the hallway, and I was hoping she wouldn’t see me because I thought she was unhappy about her grade. But alas, she saw me and approached. Suddenly, she smiled and said, “Thanks for the grade you gave me!” And she was genuinely happy about it. Then, she added, “I had a lot of fun in your class.” I was shocked by all this, but I must admit that it was all very rewarding.

So, I was thinking of other reasons that my students took Spanish. Here are some:

  1. I’ve always wanted to learn Spanish.
  2. My wife speaks Spanish.
  3. My husband speaks Spanish.
  4. It’s a beautiful language.
  5. I want to go to Mexico on vacation.
  6. Most of my customers speak Spanish.
  7. My parishioners speak Spanish.
  8. I want to move to Mexico.
  9. I want to go to a Mexican restaurant and order food in Spanish.
  10. I want to see Penelope Cruz movies in Spanish.
  11. There are so many Mexicans here, we’re all going to have to learn Spanish anyway.
  12. I want a sexy Mexican girlfriend.
  13. I’m Mexican and I can’t speak Spanish.
  14. I think the cooks in the kitchen are talking about me.
DDR