Tag: open mic

The Comedy Vault


The Comedy Vault, 18 E. Wilson, Batavia, IL 60510

One of my favorite comedy clubs is The Comedy Vault in Batavia, Illinois. I used to go there for their open mic because there was usually a decent sized audience for an open mic. This was also my way of sociallizing because all the comedians got to know each other and looked forward to meeting up again.

My favorite part of The Comedy Vault decor was the comedian quotes that were posted on the wall. All the good comedians have a few lines that can be quoted out of context and still sound funny. Well, I have compiled the comedians’ quotation that decked the walls of The Comedy Vault. Here they are, in no particular order.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’r ugly, too!

–Rodney Dangerfield

I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived for far too long, “fuck” isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.

–Lewis Black

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes, and CDs and burn them.

–Bill Hicks

If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid!

–Eddie Izzard

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

–Chris Rock

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

–Mitch Hedberg

I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because thos people are out of their fuckin’ minds. You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you.

–Tom Segura

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

–Steve Martin

When did the avocado toast become the new crack cocaine?

–Whiney Cummings

Don’t bother me while I’m eating, or when I’m coming out of the crack house or something. Just let me get going.

–Wanda Sykes

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

–Joan Rivers

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.

–Chris Rock

I don’t like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint so I couldn’t say shit to the guy.

–Dave Chappelle

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve see your own baby drowned in a tub. And you don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

–Anthony Jeselnik

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

–Ron White

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

–Mitch Hedbeberg

Ah, yes, divorce… From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

–Robin Williams

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

–Rodney Dangerfield

You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you gave him permission to be. Every man has unlimited pig-tential.

–Tom Segura

7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

–Stephen Wright

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

–Dave Chappelle

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

–George Carlin

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

–Robin Williams

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel, isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance, too?

–Bill Hicks

I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be hearlty. I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.

–Tom Segura

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

–Wanda Sykes

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

–George Carlin

I went to rehab (for alcoholism) in wine country, just to keep my options open.

–Robin Williams

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

–George Carlin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

–Demetri Martin

My fake plants died because I did not pretened to water them.

–Mitch Hedberg

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

–Bob Hope

I hoped you enjoyed reading these quotes!

DDR

The Comedy Shrine


Friday, March 6, 2020

I will perform at The Comedy Shrine on Friday, March 6, 2020.

I was surprised to get asked to perform in the first place. I have steadily improved my act over the last nine months since I started doing the standup comedy open mics again.

Just as everyone seems to be abandoning Facebook, standup comedians rely on it for maintaining contact with other comedians. First, I received a friend request, which I immediately accepted because it was from a comedian I had seen perform. After I accepted his friend request, he then messaged me asking me if I had ten minutes of material. When I said I did, he asked me if I wanted to perform at The Comedy Shrine on Friday, March 6, 2020. Of course, I did!

And to think that someone else noticed that my act was improving. The pay for this show will be a videotape of my performance. So now I have to drum some audience members so we have a full house for the videotaping.

Okay, as you’ve probably already guessed, yes, that’s why I’m writing this post! I would like to invite all my readers to come out to The Comedy Shrine to come see me perform standup comedy. Of course, there will be other great standup comedians, too. If you see the show, your laughter will also be recorded!

Riddle me this


Riddles Comedy Club, 5055 W. 111th Street, Alsip, Illinois 60803

I often try not to think about comedy clubs. Then, suddenly, Riddles is put in my path. Why is there a comedy club here? I usually drive up and down 111th Street. A very mundane experience. I know all the usual landmarks by heart: Beverly Arts Center, Burrito Station, the fire station, Mount Greenwood Park, the  Oak Lawn Dolphin Club. All the usual landmarks that I begin to not see after seeing them so many times. But then one day, I see the Riddles Comedy Club! And I can’t avert my eyes. I’m staring at it with my mouth gaping.

Just a few years ago, I visited the Riddles club in Orland Park with the hopes of performing at their open mic night on Thursdays. I wrote some jokes. And you better believe that they were very, very funny. So funny that I was afraid that someone would die laughing. Anyhow, I went to Riddles a few times just to check out the ambience. My very first night there, I was told that I wouldn’t have to pay a cover charge if I was an open mic performer. As tempting as this invitation was, I politely declined. Okay, I admit it. I was afraid to go on stage! I had flashbacks to when I actually did go up on stage, once upon a time.

Anyway, when I was finally comfortable with the club, I decided to perform. I wrote some more killer jokes. I thought about rehearsing, but I was afraid to sound too rehearsed. So, I didn’t rehearse at all. But believe me, I was ready! Oh, yes, I was! Or so I had fooled myself into believing so. When I get to the club and tell them that I want to perform for open mic, they tell me that open mic has been cancelled. How disappointing! Well, not really. What I really meant was, “What a relief!” Especially, since I was invited to stay to watch the show without paying a cover charge. Well, open mic night was cancelled because the starring acts had arrived a day early and want to perform in order to warm up for their weekend performances. I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed the show. I was also greatly relieved that I didn’t have to perform.

Whenever I get the urge to perform again, I get really motivated. But then, I lose the urge when I realize that I would have to leave the house about 8:00 pm and not return until after midnight. I used to enjoy that, but I didn’t have to get up early to go to work. I would usually wake up at the crack of noon, go running, and then relax before I went to the comedy clubs. I have become such a homebody lately. I really enjoy staying home! Of course, I occasionally leave the house. I not exactly a shut-in.

I plan on going to Riddles very soon. As a spectator. Luckily, they don’t have an open mic night. Yet!

DDR

My comedy debut


Dr. D.’s debut at Sally’s Stage, Chicago, Illinois

Let tell you about my comedy debut. NOT! I stalled, I postponed, and I dreaded performing. Well, I actually wrote some jokes, I actually polished them, and I actually rehearsed them. However, I was not meant to perform at Open Mic night at Riddles Comedy Club this week. I honestly tried, but as fate would have it, Riddles changed their format on Thursday night to accommodate some comedians from out of town.

Last week when I went to Riddles for Open Mic, I sat in the back so I could observe. As preparation for my forthcoming comedy debut, I sat all the way up front near the stage. Just to get a feel for the stage. As you may have guessed, most of the comedians picked on me. I didn’t mind at all. Not that I usually like being the focus of attention, but this time, I actually did like being the focus of attention.

I think what I have always liked best about doing standup comedy was watching all the other comedians. You see, I love to laugh. So tonight was not a total waste of time because I got to observe again and learn. And I actually thought of some new jokes while watching the other comedians. On the other hand, I’m having second thoughts about actually going on stage and performing. Maybe I should focus more on my writing at this point. Some of the jokes that I wrote might actually come off better as something to read on the Internet.

As I was sitting in the front row during tonight’s show getting skewered by the comedians, I remembered back to a first date some twenty-something years ago. I met a certain Emily and we seemed to take a liking to each other. I really wanted to ask her out. At first, I didn’t think she would go out with me, well, because she was Irish and from Kentucky, and I was Mexican.

I finally asked her out and she said yes. Our first date was dinner followed by seeing a show at Zanies Comedy Club in Chicago. She loved comedy clubs and comedians. I asked her if she wouldn’t mind sitting in the front row with me. I told her, “I will never ask you for anything else again.” She agreed to sit in the front, and of course, we were picked on by all the comedians. I thought it was a lot of fun and Emily seemed to be enjoying the show, too.

I remember asking Emily at dinner if she knew any Rodriguezes. She said her grandmother’s last name was Rodriguez. Emily, it turns out was part Mexican, one-fourth Mexican to be exact. After the show, I took her home. And I never saw her again! I guess I never learned well about planning good first dates. But I did learn a lot about comedy and life that night.

That’s what I love about standup comedy. I learn so much about life!

Barrel of Laughs


2509 W. Marquette Road
Chicago, Illinois 69629

Last night, I went to a comedy club for the first time in a very long time. I went to Bill Brady’s Barrel of Laughs in Oak Lawn, Illinois. I remember Bill Brady from when he was at the Comedy Womb. I can honestly say that Bill Brady is just as funny today as he was back then. I had meant to write my own standup comedy routine to perform last night, but I never actually finished editing my act, so I went to observe the new talent on Open Mic Night and hopefully learn from them. Well, I’m not sure if I learned any practical lessons since all these comedians reminded me of my past experiences on stage. At least, I observed that performing standup comedy sure has changed for the better! The atmosphere was very congenial and conducive for training new comedians. They had a sign on the stage that prohibited heckling the comedians! Now that’s what I call coddling the comedians.

Since I was a young boy, I have had this secret desire to be a standup comedian and I’m trying to get my nerve up to go on stage again after a brief hiatus of about 21 years. I’m not sure what ever attracted me to standup comedy in the first place since I stuttered and spoke broken English until I was in high school. Whenever I saw comedians on television, I always watched them with affectionate laughter and listened to their every word, memorizing their jokes so I could repeat them later. Since I live in Chicago, which is a breeding ground for all kinds of comedians, I eventually tried my hand at standup comedy with mixed success. My main problem was my stage fright that always hindered me from being comfortable before a large crowd, but not painful enough to prevent me from performing. I worked on improving my comedy act and eventually performed on a local cable TV show no one had ever heard of, including me, until they asked me to be on the show.

Before I ever actually performed standup comedy, my friends Vito, Jim, and I went to some comedy clubs to observe the comedians. We planned everything for our first performances. We tried working together as a team at first, but we were too much of individuals to work together as a team. Eventually, we each wrote our own act that we would perform individually. We helped each other writing jokes for each other and polishing each other’s act. This was all fun and nerve-racking at the same time! Although we never mentioned it to each other, I know we really dreaded our first time on stage. We memorized, rehearsed, and then performed our acts to each other before our debut. We didn’t all perform for the first time on the same night because we performed when we had managed to control our stage fright enough go on stage. I believe Jim, the bravest of the bunch, performed first, followed by me and then Vito. Needless to say, we each made a disastrous debut! But we were extremely proud of ourselves for following through with our plan and going on stage.

Now that I think of it, I’m starting to not only feel that same fear again, but also that same hunger for success again. That’s why I plan to go on stage soon. But first I must fine tune my jokes.

DDR