Dear Arizona


By Lalo Alcaraz

Dear Arizona,

I regret to inform you that I have changed my vacation plans for this summer. I will not see you again this summer even though I have enjoyed visiting you in the past. Nor will I be visiting Arizona anytime soon.

I’m sorry, but I will not be celebrating the Fourth of July in Arizona as I have in previous years. I really enjoyed your Independence Day celebration in Phoenix! I was amazed at the diversity of the throngs of people waving American flags and feeling oh so patriotic! As I recall, about 90% of the visitors to the park that day were brown and had black hair and brown eyes. Many of them spoke English, Spanish, and/or Spanglish. We were all there for the common purpose of celebrating the independence from imperialist England. Everyone was thankful to be living in America and no asked or cared if they were citizens (not even the authorities). It was a peaceful and joyous day of celebration. No one cared or even thought about the fact that Arizona was once part of México. Everyone was just celebrating America!

I wonder how your Fourth of July celebration will turn out this year, since I will not be there. How many people do you think will actually show up now? I wonder. I look forward to someday visiting you again. Hasta luego.

Patriotically yours,
David Diego Rodríguez

P.S. I once visited the London Bridge in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. Is the London Bridge now a legal resident?

Conspiracy theories


 

Humpty Dumpty was pushed. Jack and Jill were tripped. Goldilocks was framed. Sleeping beauty was over-medicated. The chicken crossed the road because of housing discrimination. The Puss in Boots used steroids. The Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe had so many baby daddies she didn’t know what to do. The race between the tortoise and the hare was fixed. Hansel and Gretel were domestic violence victims. Rapunzel wore hair extensions. Little Bo Peep posed nude for Playboy. Alice in Wonderland dropped some bad acid. Snoopy was spayed. Miss Piggy dropped out of finishing school. The Ogre failed to take court-mandated anger management classes. The Emperor’s new clothes were stolen. The Black Cat was the target of yellow journalism. Prince Charming was a jerk. Mary had a little lamb because she was abducted by extraterrestrials. All the Big Bad Wolf needed was a hug. Cinderella was anorexic. The fire-breathing dragon had an extremely large carbon footprint. Lady Godiva had a wardrobe malfunction. The Three Blind Mice were born near a nuclear power plant. Jack’s beanstalk was genetically altered. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum were clones. The Seven Dwarfs were vertically challenged. The Farmer in the Dell had a condo in the city. The Farmer’s Wife slept with the traveling salesman. Jimmy cracked corn and he don’t care ‘cuz he’s takin’ the Fifth! The London Bridge is falling down and the engineer is hiring a lawyer. The Beauty and the Beast were cousins. Jiminy Cricket was a Wiccan. The Fairy Godmother was heterosexual. Snow White falsely claimed the Seven Dwarfs as dependents. Pinocchio’s lies caused deforestation. All fairy tales are plagiarism!

You'll never pin that crime on me!