Tag: Comedy

The Comedy Vault


The Comedy Vault, 18 E. Wilson, Batavia, IL 60510

One of my favorite comedy clubs is The Comedy Vault in Batavia, Illinois. I used to go there for their open mic because there was usually a decent sized audience for an open mic. This was also my way of sociallizing because all the comedians got to know each other and looked forward to meeting up again.

My favorite part of The Comedy Vault decor was the comedian quotes that were posted on the wall. All the good comedians have a few lines that can be quoted out of context and still sound funny. Well, I have compiled the comedians’ quotation that decked the walls of The Comedy Vault. Here they are, in no particular order.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’r ugly, too!

–Rodney Dangerfield

I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived for far too long, “fuck” isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.

–Lewis Black

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes, and CDs and burn them.

–Bill Hicks

If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid!

–Eddie Izzard

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

–Chris Rock

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

–Mitch Hedberg

I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because thos people are out of their fuckin’ minds. You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you.

–Tom Segura

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

–Steve Martin

When did the avocado toast become the new crack cocaine?

–Whiney Cummings

Don’t bother me while I’m eating, or when I’m coming out of the crack house or something. Just let me get going.

–Wanda Sykes

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

–Joan Rivers

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.

–Chris Rock

I don’t like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint so I couldn’t say shit to the guy.

–Dave Chappelle

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve see your own baby drowned in a tub. And you don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

–Anthony Jeselnik

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

–Ron White

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

–Mitch Hedbeberg

Ah, yes, divorce… From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

–Robin Williams

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

–Rodney Dangerfield

You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you gave him permission to be. Every man has unlimited pig-tential.

–Tom Segura

7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

–Stephen Wright

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

–Dave Chappelle

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

–George Carlin

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

–Robin Williams

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel, isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance, too?

–Bill Hicks

I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be hearlty. I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.

–Tom Segura

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

–Wanda Sykes

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

–George Carlin

I went to rehab (for alcoholism) in wine country, just to keep my options open.

–Robin Williams

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

–George Carlin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

–Demetri Martin

My fake plants died because I did not pretened to water them.

–Mitch Hedberg

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

–Bob Hope

I hoped you enjoyed reading these quotes!

DDR

Still Not Friday


December 15, 2022

I was asked to do standup comedy at the Two Brothers Roundhouse. This is quite an accomplishment for me. After three years of my comedy comeback, I am improving. I don’t feel as nervous as when I first started, even though people tell me I look very nervous.

I enjoy performing and hearing laughter. Sometimes, people approach me after a show and tell me that they really like my act. I always say, “Thank you!” because I really love the recognition. I hope to keep improving.

When I started back up, I told myself that I would that I would keep going to open mics even if I never progressed beyond the open mic level. I am now one notch above the open mic level. And I’m starting to feel more comfortable on stage.

The first few times I tried to make a comeback, I was so nervous that I chickened out. Then, I told myself, “Just go see an open mic.” Even just watching the show I felt the looming stagefright knowing that I would soon perform. One open mic I went to observe, they offered to waive my cover charge if I would perform. I was to scared to accept. Once the show began and saw some of the first-timers, I knew I had made the right decision.

The next week, I go to the same comedy club with the firm belief that I will go on stage for the open mic. I tell them at the ticket office that I will perform, and they let me in without paying the cover charge. Well, just my luck, now that I’m ready to perform, the emcee announces that the open mic is cancelled because that weekend’s headliner showed up early and wants to try out some new material. In a way, I was disappointed. But on the other hand, I was relieved and no longer nervous as I watched the headliner.

That was too bad because it took me another ten years to attempt another open mic!

DDR

Stage fright


Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

I have always been afraid of speaking in public. I avoid speaking whenever possible. However, I ended up becoming a teacher. And now I am a Spanish teacher and a standup comedian.

I was always afraid to speak as a young boy because my first language was Spanish, and I didn’t speak English until I started school. I struggled with both languages through my entire grade school years.

There’s an old joke that goes like this: “What were the worst two years of your life?” “The fourth grade.”

Now, I am still struggling to overcome my stage fright. But now, I am a standup comedian. Each time I perform, I feel a little more comfortable, and a little less nervous. The more I perform, the more confident I feel in myself. All performers admit that they suffer from stage fright, but they have controlled it so well, that is hardly noticeable. I hope to reach that level someday!

DDR

8 at 8


The Comedy Shrine

I was fortunate enough to be selected to perform at the 8 at 8 at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora, Illinois. I felt this was a proud achievement for me as I struggle to improve as a standup comedian. Watch the video and you be the judge.

Tuesday, October 19, 2021
DDR