Tag: comedy club

The Comedy Vault


The Comedy Vault, 18 E. Wilson, Batavia, IL 60510

One of my favorite comedy clubs is The Comedy Vault in Batavia, Illinois. I used to go there for their open mic because there was usually a decent sized audience for an open mic. This was also my way of sociallizing because all the comedians got to know each other and looked forward to meeting up again.

My favorite part of The Comedy Vault decor was the comedian quotes that were posted on the wall. All the good comedians have a few lines that can be quoted out of context and still sound funny. Well, I have compiled the comedians’ quotation that decked the walls of The Comedy Vault. Here they are, in no particular order.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’r ugly, too!

–Rodney Dangerfield

I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived for far too long, “fuck” isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.

–Lewis Black

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes, and CDs and burn them.

–Bill Hicks

If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid!

–Eddie Izzard

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

–Chris Rock

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

–Mitch Hedberg

I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because thos people are out of their fuckin’ minds. You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you.

–Tom Segura

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

–Steve Martin

When did the avocado toast become the new crack cocaine?

–Whiney Cummings

Don’t bother me while I’m eating, or when I’m coming out of the crack house or something. Just let me get going.

–Wanda Sykes

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

–Joan Rivers

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.

–Chris Rock

I don’t like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint so I couldn’t say shit to the guy.

–Dave Chappelle

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve see your own baby drowned in a tub. And you don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

–Anthony Jeselnik

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

–Ron White

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

–Mitch Hedbeberg

Ah, yes, divorce… From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

–Robin Williams

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

–Rodney Dangerfield

You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you gave him permission to be. Every man has unlimited pig-tential.

–Tom Segura

7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

–Stephen Wright

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

–Dave Chappelle

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

–George Carlin

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

–Robin Williams

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel, isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance, too?

–Bill Hicks

I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be hearlty. I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.

–Tom Segura

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

–Wanda Sykes

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

–George Carlin

I went to rehab (for alcoholism) in wine country, just to keep my options open.

–Robin Williams

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

–George Carlin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

–Demetri Martin

My fake plants died because I did not pretened to water them.

–Mitch Hedberg

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

–Bob Hope

I hoped you enjoyed reading these quotes!

DDR

Politically (in)correct


Riddle Comedy Club, Alsip, Illinois

I haven’t been to a comedy club for a couple of months now, but I keep thinking of one joke in particular that I heard while I was there. You have to remember that comedy clubs are the last bastion of politically incorrect jokes. So, everything goes there. In a way, it’s very refreshing to be able to go back in time a couple of decades or so to when free speech meant exactly that.

Anyway, the joke I keep remembering makes me laugh every time I recall it. I don’t even remember the name of the comedian, but I saw him at Riddles at the open mic night. “Are there any Mexicans here?” he asked, I assumed he asked this because he was not of the Mexican persuasion. No one answered up–not even me. I wanted to say, “I’m Mexican,” but I couldn’t get the nerve to shout it out. Besides, I wanted to hear what he would say if no Mexicans were present.

After a long silent pause, he asked, “How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?” No one answered and after another long pause, he said, “One. They’re just like everyone else!” And everyone laughed, but I think I laughed the loudest.

DDR

Barrel of Laughs


2509 W. Marquette Road
Chicago, Illinois 69629

Last night, I went to a comedy club for the first time in a very long time. I went to Bill Brady’s Barrel of Laughs in Oak Lawn, Illinois. I remember Bill Brady from when he was at the Comedy Womb. I can honestly say that Bill Brady is just as funny today as he was back then. I had meant to write my own standup comedy routine to perform last night, but I never actually finished editing my act, so I went to observe the new talent on Open Mic Night and hopefully learn from them. Well, I’m not sure if I learned any practical lessons since all these comedians reminded me of my past experiences on stage. At least, I observed that performing standup comedy sure has changed for the better! The atmosphere was very congenial and conducive for training new comedians. They had a sign on the stage that prohibited heckling the comedians! Now that’s what I call coddling the comedians.

Since I was a young boy, I have had this secret desire to be a standup comedian and I’m trying to get my nerve up to go on stage again after a brief hiatus of about 21 years. I’m not sure what ever attracted me to standup comedy in the first place since I stuttered and spoke broken English until I was in high school. Whenever I saw comedians on television, I always watched them with affectionate laughter and listened to their every word, memorizing their jokes so I could repeat them later. Since I live in Chicago, which is a breeding ground for all kinds of comedians, I eventually tried my hand at standup comedy with mixed success. My main problem was my stage fright that always hindered me from being comfortable before a large crowd, but not painful enough to prevent me from performing. I worked on improving my comedy act and eventually performed on a local cable TV show no one had ever heard of, including me, until they asked me to be on the show.

Before I ever actually performed standup comedy, my friends Vito, Jim, and I went to some comedy clubs to observe the comedians. We planned everything for our first performances. We tried working together as a team at first, but we were too much of individuals to work together as a team. Eventually, we each wrote our own act that we would perform individually. We helped each other writing jokes for each other and polishing each other’s act. This was all fun and nerve-racking at the same time! Although we never mentioned it to each other, I know we really dreaded our first time on stage. We memorized, rehearsed, and then performed our acts to each other before our debut. We didn’t all perform for the first time on the same night because we performed when we had managed to control our stage fright enough go on stage. I believe Jim, the bravest of the bunch, performed first, followed by me and then Vito. Needless to say, we each made a disastrous debut! But we were extremely proud of ourselves for following through with our plan and going on stage.

Now that I think of it, I’m starting to not only feel that same fear again, but also that same hunger for success again. That’s why I plan to go on stage soon. But first I must fine tune my jokes.

DDR