F.M. & A.M.


George Carlin / F.M. & A.M. (1972)

I love standup comedy and standup comedians. One of my all-time favorites is George Carlin. I saw him on TV many times as a pre-teen and a teenager. When I was in high school, I bought his F.M. & A.M. album. I listened to it so many times that the sound quality was compromised. When my friends would visit, I would play it for them. And, when I visited friends, I would take the album to their home so we could listen to it. We never tired of listening to it. In fact, we could recite many of his comedy bits from memory.

One day, as we were listening to the album, my friend Bill asked to see the album cover. He started reading from the back of the album. I had never noticed the text that he was reading before. Around the picture of George Carlin on the back cover, in tiny little text, were the sayings that Bill was reading. We laughed at these sayings as he read them. They were a surprise bonus to the album. Why had I never noticed them before?

Well, a few months ago, a Facebook friend of mine bought this album at a vintage record store. Suddenly, I remembered the sayings on the back of Carlin’s album. No one I knew had ever mentioned those sayings before. Suddenly, I had this urge to read those sayings again. I had looked for a picture of the back album cover over the years so I could read them again. Unsuccessfully.

I asked my friend Jim if he happened to have this album. He has quite a collection of comedy albums. In fact, when he went to college, he introduced me to Bob Newhart and other comics I had never heard of. Anyway, Jim did not have this album in his collection. He had listened to this album with me several times, at my house and his. But he did find it listed on eBaya and he sent me the link. I was not interested in buying the vinyl LP again. In fact, ever since I got rid of my vinyl collection of albums, I have not had the urge to buy more vinyl LPs, even though they are now trending.

Well, I copied down the sayings on the back album cover and I have reprinted them here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

  • Nixon is soft on fascism.
  • The gross national product is gross.
  • Elephantiasis does not improve the memory.
  • Mothers’ milk lead to heroin.
  • If you break a crumb in half, you have two crumbs.
  • When stepping on the brake, your life is in your foot’s hands.
  • The U.S. Plywood building is made of steel and stone.
  • There are no two dandruff flakes alike.
  • Beer nuts is the official disease of Milwaukee.
  • Everyone over 110 is out of work.
  • Rose Kennedy wears a natural.
  • The Vatican police speak Pig Latin.
  • Recycle confetti.
  • No two ways about it, there are two sides to every story.
  • Edward Cayce was not a medium. He was an extra-large.
  • Give a Shriner a shiner.
  • Ralph Nader passes on the right.
  • The Vietnam War is alive and well and living in Laos.
  • An octoroon is an eight-sided cookie.
  • It takes two dwarves to mail a letter.
  • A car raising contest is a jack-off.
  • Hire the handicapped, but don’t let them take your rectal temperature.
caricature of author end of post
DDR

Famous comedians I have seen in person


Yakov Smirnoff and DDR in Branson, MIssouri

Since I was in grade school, I have wanted to be a standup comedian. (Many comedians I know have told me the same thing.) So, since I was little, I have been watching comedians, mostly on TV and in the movies. When I was older and I started working, I began going to watch comedians perform in person. I enjoy watching comedians much more than I enjoy performing. But when I perform at my local comedy clubs, I get to see many comedians.

Emo Philips, Jim Harmon, and DDR in Mason City, Illiois

Here is a list of the famous comedians I have seen in person:

(in alphabetical order by last name)

• Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick
• Frank Caliendo
• John Caponera
• Bill Cosby
• Tom Dreesen
• Gallagher
• Greg Glienna
• Jay Leno
• Robert Klein
• Eddie Murphy
• Emo Philips
• Yakov Smirnov
• Judy Tenuta
• Carrot Top
• Henny Youngman

caricature of author
DDR

Comedian


The Lineup

Well, I’ve started going back to the comedy clubs after more than thirty-three years. Things have really changed since then. So many changes! I think the changes are for the better.

I was surprised by how many comedians go to the so many available open mics in Chicago and the surrounding suburbs. And the comedians are so supportive of each other. Of course, that’s not surprising because Chicago is one of the comedy breeding grounds for the U.S. If you are a new comedian, you may perform every night of the week, multiple times per day. And there are no hecklers. I was incredibly surprised by that. I remember always dreading my confrontations with hecklers. Some of my best shows, of course, were when I was able to handle the hecklers.

Gone are the smoke-filled comedy rooms since smoking was banned indoors, which is great for me since I have always been a non-smoker. But I miss the ambience. However, the audiences are nicer now that they don’t smoke.

Back in 1986, I occasionally earned money as a standup comedian. Now, many clubs have a two-drink minimum for comedians who want to participate for the open mic. Yes, I understand that this helps keep the clubs open, but I remember getting paid five dollars and getting two drinks for performing at the open mic at the Higgins Street Cafe.

Back in 1983, all the open mics started at 9:00 or 9:30. Now they start much earlier, often as early as 6:00 PM. This is much more convenient for aspiring comics who must get up early for work the next morning.

There are so many comics attending all these open mics. Yes, I’m one of them, too. Last night, I went to The Comedy Shrine and there were forty comedians signed up! And about half of them were very funny. Not only do I perform, but I also enjoy watching the other comedians perform.

When I started performing this go-round, I wrote all new jokes. I had my friend Vito look over my jokes and he contributed some very funny jokes, as he did for me back in 1983 and 1986. Most of the jokes went over very well. Afterwards, several comics would ask me, “How long have you been doing comedy?” I suppose you can take that both ways: 1. That I sound like I have some previous experience as a comedian, or, 2. You must be new to comedy!

Well, I am finally overcoming my stage fright and getting more comfortable on stage. My new jokes are getting laughs at all the right times. Plus, I have been inserting my old jokes in there from time to time. At first, I was afraid to tell the old jokes, but I told one or two from time to time. Some of my biggest laughs come from jokes that are more than thirty years old!

I’ll keep working at standup comedy for the near future. I enjoy hearing the laughter. Maybe I’m crazy, but I finally found my true calling.

DDR

Riddle me this


Riddles Comedy Club, 5055 W. 111th Street, Alsip, Illinois 60803

I often try not to think about comedy clubs. Then, suddenly, Riddles is put in my path. Why is there a comedy club here? I usually drive up and down 111th Street. A very mundane experience. I know all the usual landmarks by heart: Beverly Arts Center, Burrito Station, the fire station, Mount Greenwood Park, the  Oak Lawn Dolphin Club. All the usual landmarks that I begin to not see after seeing them so many times. But then one day, I see the Riddles Comedy Club! And I can’t avert my eyes. I’m staring at it with my mouth gaping.

Just a few years ago, I visited the Riddles club in Orland Park with the hopes of performing at their open mic night on Thursdays. I wrote some jokes. And you better believe that they were very, very funny. So funny that I was afraid that someone would die laughing. Anyhow, I went to Riddles a few times just to check out the ambience. My very first night there, I was told that I wouldn’t have to pay a cover charge if I was an open mic performer. As tempting as this invitation was, I politely declined. Okay, I admit it. I was afraid to go on stage! I had flashbacks to when I actually did go up on stage, once upon a time.

Anyway, when I was finally comfortable with the club, I decided to perform. I wrote some more killer jokes. I thought about rehearsing, but I was afraid to sound too rehearsed. So, I didn’t rehearse at all. But believe me, I was ready! Oh, yes, I was! Or so I had fooled myself into believing so. When I get to the club and tell them that I want to perform for open mic, they tell me that open mic has been cancelled. How disappointing! Well, not really. What I really meant was, “What a relief!” Especially, since I was invited to stay to watch the show without paying a cover charge. Well, open mic night was cancelled because the starring acts had arrived a day early and want to perform in order to warm up for their weekend performances. I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed the show. I was also greatly relieved that I didn’t have to perform.

Whenever I get the urge to perform again, I get really motivated. But then, I lose the urge when I realize that I would have to leave the house about 8:00 pm and not return until after midnight. I used to enjoy that, but I didn’t have to get up early to go to work. I would usually wake up at the crack of noon, go running, and then relax before I went to the comedy clubs. I have become such a homebody lately. I really enjoy staying home! Of course, I occasionally leave the house. I not exactly a shut-in.

I plan on going to Riddles very soon. As a spectator. Luckily, they don’t have an open mic night. Yet!

DDR

Comedy


Sally’s Stage, Chicago, Illinois

I’ve always loved comedy in any form since I was a boy. Of course, I loved all the old TV comedies like The Dick Van Dyke Show, the Honeymooners, and Laugh In, and the variety shows like the Carol Burnett Show and the Flip Wilson Show, but I especially loved watching the standup comedians like Bill Cosby, George Carlin, Bob Newhart, Joan Rivers, and Phyllis Diller. I loved watching them so much that I wanted to be a comedian, too. For some strange reason, I would always remember every joke that I heard. Of course, I had trouble retaining my school lessons, like the multiplication tables. But I knew hundreds of jokes by the time I was a teenager. Other boys memorized baseball statistics from baseball cards or knew where all the pretty girls in the neighborhood lived. My friend Adrian could tell the year and make of any automobile just by looking at the taillights, the headlights, or the grille. When that became too easy for him, he graduated to airplanes. Anytime a plane flew overhead, he would tell us what kind of plane it was and what airlines used them. If no one stopped him, he would recite every statistic he knew about that plane. He even knew about military aircraft. But he still knew his cars as well.

Anyway, surrounded by friends like that, I wanted to find my niche, my very own specialty. Something in which I could indulge to the nth degree. In the immortal words of Tina Turner, I never do nothin’ nice ‘n’ easy! I decided that jokes would be my forte! When we went to the library, I would check out a joke book. Every Sunday, I would read the jokes religiously in the My Favorite Jokes section in the Parade Magazine that appeared in the Sunday paper. Since I didn’t speak English that well, learning all these jokes helped me improve my English. And I became one of the best spellers in the third grade even though I didn’t speak English all that well. My mother, who had the same love for jokes, and I would always tell each other the latest joke we had heard. I even read Reader’s Digest just for the jokes.

So, it’s no wonder that I became a standup comedian. However, I was always nervous on stage, even when I settled down and became comfortable. That’s one of the reasons I gave up performing. I would feel nervous for days before performing. That feeling would intensify while performing. And then, I wouldn’t get over my nervousness afterwards for days because I would think about all the mistakes I had made or things that I should have said. But that didn’t stop me in my quest to become funnier.

Funnier? I wanted to be the funniest comedian ever! That’s the way I am. When I do something, I must go all out. I don’t let my actual talent and limitations stop me. I know my limits because I cross them all the time. I wanted to become so funny as a standup comedian that I would make someone die from laughter! I fantasized about someday performing at the Chicago Theater and seeing my name on the marquis and an ambulance on standby parked in front. Yes, I thought I could be that funny!

And to that end, I watched every classic TV comedy show and every classic comedy movie ever made. But that wasn’t enough for me in my quest for killer comedy. I also read every humorous book I could find, usually by culling the bookshelves at one of the many used bookstores that we used to have in Chicago. I even bought a book autographed by Bob Hope for a dollar! I read a lot of comedy, humor, and joke books in my lifetime. Well, as usually happens to me whenever I read a book, while reading I discover at least two or three other books I must read. Especially with the comedians who are always thanking someone who positively influenced their comedic skills. So, let’s just say that I read a lot of funny books.

My favorite book of all time!

So, one day, I was invited to a party by my friend Mary McCall at her condominium at 400 E. Randolph. That’s the high-rise building with the pool covered by the glass geodesic dome that used to be located by the Lake Shore Drive S-curve until someone decided to straighten out the S-curve. The building is still there, but the S-curve is gone. Anyway, I met, just by chance, Aaron Freeman the comedian. Mary introduced me to him, but we already knew each other because we both had performed at the Clout Club, the comedy club founded by Jim Wiggins on North Lincoln Avenue in 1986. Aaron mentioned that there weren’t any funny books written. I couldn’t help it, but I had to disagree. “What about the classics?” I asked him. Aristophanes and Shakespeare wrote some very funny stuff. Cervantes was a very funny guy, too! Of course, Catch-22 and Catcher in the Rye are also hilarious. I told him he had to read anything by some of the lesser-known humor writers, but equally as funny, such as Ring Lardner, Stephen Leacock, S.J. Perelman, James Thurber, Groucho Marx, Will Cuppy, Woody Allen, Dorothy Parker, Richard Armour, and Max Shulman. He said he would read them. I really enjoyed that conversation with him because I love talking about jokes and funny things that I have read. I never met Aaron again, so I haven’t been able to ask him if he ever read any of my suggestions and read any of those funny writers. Such is life.

DDR