Where do I begin?


Divine Heart Seminary
My mother Carmen and me. 1971

When I attended Divine Heart Seminary, I made the best of the situation even though I didn’t want to be there. First of all, I’m a freshman living in a seminary dormitory away from home for the first time in my life. Second of all, my daily chore after morning prayers is cleaning the lavatory that is located near the refectory. These two words were not part of my everyday vocabulary. At Holy Cross School, Sister Cecilia called the bathroom the “lavatory,” but we only used “lavatory” when we were mocking her far away from school–lest we get caught by her and she inflicted physical pain upon us. I actually had to ask what a “refectory” was. That was the seminary dining hall where the entire seminary ate all their meals together. Eating in a refectory made me feel as if I were sent away to a medieval monastery. All I need was the monk’s cell and robes.

So we would wake up, shower, dress, go to the chapel for morning prayers, go to the refectory to eat breakfast, and then we would do our morning chores. As luck would have it, I had the most undesirable of all the available chores at the seminary. I was assigned to clean the lavatory by the refectory. To me, there is no worse chore than cleaning the bathroom, especially if on top of that you have to call it a lavatory! And Eric Chronister the senior in charge of supervising the underclassmen would make sure that I did a very thorough job. He was such a warm, friendly person that when he explained how he wanted me to clean the bathroom, I mean lavatory, he would actually make it sound like I had received a plum assignment. So I actually didn’t mind cleaning the lavatory by the refectory anymore. On the plus side, I discovered that I enjoyed reading the graffiti before I wiped it away. The only interesting one that I remember now is, “Flush twice. It’s a long way to the kitchen.” I wasn’t sure why the seminarians complained about the food because it was some of the best food I had ever eaten. Students complained that it wasn’t as good as their mother’s food, but I liked it because my mother rarely cooked before I went away to the seminary.

Oh, yes, back to my cleaning of the lavatory. When I mastered these newly learned lavatory cleaning skills, I had time left over during chores to tour the immediate vicinity of my lavatory. The laundry room was right around the corner. The kitchen and bakery were down the hall across from the refectory. I really wished I had the chore of sorting laundry. That seemed like a fun and easy job. But then I stumbled upon a series of remarkable coincidences.

I joined the Explorers who went on camping trips on weekends. I’m not sure why, but I always wanted to go camping at least once in my life so I joined. On our first camping trip, I learned that Eric my chores supervisor was also in the Explorers and he went on the camping trip with us. Just by chance, we are the last two awake one night sitting around the campfire. I was afraid to talk to him since I was a lowly freshman and he was a senior and had a lot of power since he assigned all the chores. We talked of many things before he asked me how I liked the seminary. I was very honest and explained my whole situation to him. He was genuinely concerned about me. I then explained to him how much I hated cleaning the lavatory and I asked how he could assign that chore to me. He was very apologetic and explained to me that I was just a name on the list when he made the assignments. He didn’t even know me at the time. But in order to make it up to me, he asked me what chore I would like the next time the assignments were made. He felt so bad about assigning me to the lavatory that he said I could choose any chore and he would give it to me. I said I wanted to work in the laundry room and sure enough the next month I was sorting laundry to my heart’s content!

At the seminary, everyone had name tags sewn on to every item of clothing that was dropped down a laundry chute to be washed. We sorted out the clothes by name and placed them in cubbyhole shelves for everyone to pick up. The clothes were washed in the next room, but I really couldn’t see who washed the clothes. It’s like it was supposed to be a great mystery for us. Eventually, I learned that we had nuns in the seminary who did the laundry. I was really surprised because no one told there were nuns at the seminary. I thought only males were there. One day, one of the nuns starts talking to me and I respond. It wasn’t until a few sentences into the conversation that I realized that we were speaking Spanish. Why, I wondered, was she speaking Spanish? Well, she was from a Catholic order of nuns from Mexico. They lived at the convent on the seminary campus.

Soon, I was talking to other nuns in Spanish. These nuns spoke very little English. I was amazed that these Mexican nuns were at a seminary in Donaldson, Indiana. That’s the thing about Mexicans. There turn up out of the blue where you least expect them. To this day, I’m not sure why these Mexican nuns were at the seminary. They were there to cook and bake in the kitchen and bakery and wash and mend clothes. And since they were from Mexico, they didn’t really understand the American way of life.

For example, several athletes dropped their jockstraps down the laundry chute to be washed. Well, since they had never seen a jockstrap in Mexico, and since they were nuns who had taken vows of chastity, they didn’t know the intended purpose of a jockstrap. They really had lived a sheltered life. So when I was sorting laundry, I was putting away what I thought were a pair of men’s briefs. At first, they looked like men’s underwear, but then I realized that I was holding a jockstrap with cotton material sewn all around to cover wearer’s buttocks and other exposed parts of the human anatomy. They had sewn sides and rears to all of the jockstraps!

Well, since I was in the laundry room, a few of the nuns used to come to talk to me during chores because they liked talking to me in Spanish. One day, one of the nuns who cooked suggested that I try to get assigned to the kitchen for chores so we could talk in Spanish. She said she wanted me to practice my Spanish, but I think that she liked talking in Spanish to someone else besides another nun. She said I could peel potatoes in the kitchen and she showed me how easy it was. First, we washed the potatoes, then we put them in this big machine that spun them around and removed most of the peel. I would only have use the potato peeler to remove the eyes that the machine couldn’t remove. I would them put them into a giant pot filled with water and baking soda so the potatoes wouldn’t turn brown. We would peel a potful everyday.

This job was a little more difficult than the one in the laundry room, but I liked talking to the nuns. On the very next camping trip, I asked Eric if I could be assigned to peel potatoes. He was surprised because no one liked this chore. The next month, I was peeling potatoes to my heart’s content! The beauty of this chore was something I had not anticipated. Some days, instead of peeling potatoes, I would peel apples so the Mexican nuns could bake good old fashioned American apple pie. I always looked forward to peeling apples even though I couldn’t peel them in the automatic peeler because the apple would bruise in there. Well, I knew I would be offered the first slice of apple pie by the nuns! They told me I could come in at any time to eat apple pie. Of course, I would have to sneak in so no one else could see me.

One day, everyone at the seminary was excited that a TV station would present the world premier of Love Story, a movie that was apparently all the rage. However, I didn’t understand why everyone was so excited about this movie, as usual. Of course, I watched Love Story with everyone else because I didn’t want to be the only person at the seminary who didn’t watch Love Story. That would have made me more of an outcast than I already was.

Yes, I watched Love Story and liked it, but I didn’t cry like everyone else. Most of the boys watching the movie in the rec room of the new gym building were actually crying and looking around to see if anyone actually saw them crying. Of course, I didn’t cry. I mean, it was just a movie! Anyway, I bring up Love Story because during chores for about the next two weeks all the nuns talk about is Love Story. I was so glad that I watched it because I would have hated to disappoint the nuns. They loved discussing the movie with me. They even asked me if I cried at the end. Of course, I did, I told them, because I knew that’s what they wanted to hear.

One nun actually hugged me and told me that I was a good Mexican boy! One day, one of the youngest nuns invites me to visit her at their convent. I go because I enjoy the company of these nuns. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I went anyway. The young nun who invited me answers the door and invites me to sit in their receiving room. We talk awhile, in Spanish, of course. We talked about Love Story a little. Then she asked me if I liked music. When I said yes, she said that she’d be right back. I had no idea why she left, but then she returned with a guitar and a songbook of lovesongs. She was learning to play the guitar and she wanted me to tell her what I thought of her musical ability. Since we both cried at the end of Love Story, she plays the movie’s theme song on the guitar and sings, “Where do I begin? To tell the story of how great a love can be.” But that was the only time I ever heard her speak English. She was very good, in my humble opinion. She sang and played every song in songbook. I felt so much love that evening! After that, I would visit her regualarly.

Soon, I left the seminary because I didn’t want to be there in the first place. But I did miss the nuns. I occasionally think about the youngest nun, even though I don’t remember her name. I was sixteen at the time and she was probably only two or three years older than me. But I went away. And I never heard from the Mexican nuns again.

DDR

Spatiality


Wrigley Field

When you learn a foreign language, you can’t help but learn about another culture and its customs. I often remember Vito’s friend Jean-Claude von Bostal who came to visit Vito in Chicago from Belgium. Everything was so different for him. Vito asked me what we could do with Jean-Claude that would be very American. I suggested going to a baseball game. That’s about as American as you can get, if you overlook the fact that most of the players are from Latin America. So we went to Wrigley Field to see the Cubs play. It was a warm day, so everyone dressed in summer clothes.

A woman seated near us wore a tank top. When one of the Cubs hit a home run, she clapped with her hands over her head, revealing her shaved armpits. We couldn’t help but notice her because she was also whooping it up. Jean-Claude immediately noticed her shaved armpits and said, “That’s stupid!” Vito corrected him, “You mean that’s different.” Well, I know for a fact that women don’t shave their armpits in Europe. So I said, “Vito, I think he really means that it’s stupid.” Jean-Claude nodded and said, “Why do they shave their armpits?” Well, you see, there are always cultural differences even when you don’t think of them. They abound everywhere.

Physical distance between people is a common cultural topic of many Spanish textbooks. When you learn a foreign language, you also learn about the culture. The two are inseparable. When associating with someone from a Spanish-speaking country,  they usually get very close to you when they speak. They are more likely to greet you by shaking your hand and/or giving you a hug and a kiss. This is something that you’ll have to learn to accept. This happens if you’re in the U.S. or in Mexico.

In the U.S. we’re accustomed to having plenty of distance between us when we speak to someone. And we hardly ever hug someone unless they’re a family member. For me, you have to be a family member on speaking terms. When I was in Mexico, I was hugging and kissing total strangers just because they were close friends to my cousin.

I’ll be perfectly honest. With certain persons of the female persuasion,  I squeezed them a little harder with the hug and held the kiss a little longer than necessary. This is something I would never do here in America. I generally don’t like people touching me! Period.

In Mexico, a hug between two male friends is quite common, but in America I never even think about hugging another man. Once, I hadn’t seen a friend for about five years. When I saw him, he immediately ran to me and gave me this big overly friendly bear hug. I said, “Whoa! I wasn’t ready for that.” I needed some distance between us.

Since I grew up on the south side of Chicago, I’m uncomfortable if someone gets too close to me when speaking. I like to have ample distance between my interlocutor and me. I like to be beyond striking distance. At UIC parties, I noticed that the Spaniards used to like to talk to me by putting their face about two inches away from mine and I felt extremely uncomfortable! I usually keep backing up until I bump into the wall and have to stop back pedaling. But then I discovered that if I held my plate of food about six inches in front of me, that offered me a buffer zone that kept me well beyond the striking distance of fists and/or food ejected during conversation. Spaniards like to speak to you face to face, but they respect food and will maintain a safe distance from it in order not to knock it over.

DDR

Man date


 

Men mourning a breakup

Man date. Sometimes you are the giver and sometimes you are the receiver. But this is one date to avoid if at all possible. I’m not talking about one man going out with a male friend to see a movie and there are plenty of seats to leave an empty one between you, so no one thinks that “you’re together” as in you two are an item–if you know what I mean.

I’m talking about you buying two tickets to a concert for a singer or band that only your girlfriend, fiancée, or wife would want to see. And you bought the tickets because you wanted to make her happy, for at least one night. But for some unexplained reason, she no longer wants to go to the concert with you. It could be for any number of reasons. She has a headache, she just doesn’t want to go to the concert anymore, or she broke up with you.  So now you have two concert tickets for which you paid good money! You can’t sell them at such short notice, so you call around and finally find a friend who is desperate enough to go to this concert with you because … well, just because.

No real man will admit he wants to go to a concert with you. So, you go to this concert with your friend because he once took you on a man date when his girlfriend dumped him and he had two tickets to Sting, but you feel guilty tonight because you’re only taking him to see Barry Manilow. You see the concert and make the best of an unpleasant situation. Unfortunately, you have assigned seating and you two must sit right next to each other.

You’re driving home and you realize that this wasn’t so bad after all. But then you wonder, should I take him straight home? Will he be offended if I do? Should I take him out for a drink and then take him home? Will I look desperate if I just drive him to a bar without asking him if he wants a drink? All I want to do is talk about my female problems. But he also has female problems, or he wouldn’t have gone to a Barry Manilow concert with you! Instead, you drive him straight home without saying a word. He doesn’t say anything either as he leaves the car. Both of you secretly hope that you’ll never have to go on a man date ever again!

DDR

Estudiantes


Morton College Spanish Class

The other day, one of my Spanish students asked me if he could be my friend on Facebook.com. Of course, I said yes. And we are now friends on Facebook. I’ve always gotten along with my Spanish students. That’s because I love my students. But not in the sexual harassment civil lawsuit kind of love. I’ve been teaching college Spanish for about twelve years now, so I remember a lot of students from over the years. Some students kept in touch with me for a while after taking my class and then eventually disappeared from my life. Other students occasionally run into me by chance. Some I will never forget.

Elwood Chipchase, Morton College, Cicero, Illinois

I remember Elwood Chipchase and his wife Grace took Spanish 101 and 102 with me at Morton College. He was a minister in Cicero, Illinois, and his congregation was mostly Mexican. He was seriously studying Spanish so could better communicate with his parishioners. Both he and his wife were the students most dedicated to learning Spanish. At first, he didn’t tell me that he was a minister or why he was learning Spanish. One day, he asked me why when he asked Mexicans about their mother, they kind of paused before answering. Sometimes they gave him a pained look, as if they were offended. I asked Elwood how he asked them. He would greet them, ask them how they were, and how their spouse was in Spanish. Then he would ask about their mother, “¿Y tu madre?” I thought about it a while. Why would they hesitate to respond? Elwood’s Spanish was clear enough to understand. Then it dawned on me. But I felt uncomfortable explaining my theory to him since he was a minister. The problem is that all Mexicans refer to their mother as mamá or mami. The only time they use madre is when they swear at someone, as in, “Chinga tu madre.” Well, he was grateful for my explanation and said he would change his choice of words. The next week he reported that everyone responded more warmly to his inquiries.

DDR

Despedida mexicana


Why are these tequila bottles so blurry?

There are good-byes. And then there are Mexican good-byes. By this, I mean that most people say good-bye and then they leave. Mexicans, on the other hand, say good-bye and think of many reasons for staying un poquito más. Such as telling the story they just remembered on the way out, upon touching the doorknob. Or, because they haven’t seen each other in such a long time, since like last week. I, too, of course am guilty of these long, extended good-byes. Perhaps, I didn’t say everything that I wanted because I couldn’t get a word in edgewise or the stories told were so good that I didn’t want to interrupt them.

While I was in Mexico, every good-bye was a despedida mexicana, but one long good-bye especially comes to mind. I was staying at my cousin’s house and we were going to visit her sister, also my cousin. My cousin, her husband, my aunt, and I went to my other cousin’s house. We would leave about three o’clock in the afternoon in order to avoid the afternoon rush hour traffic. I agreed because Mexico City’s normal traffic is horrendous and traumatic, even if you’re just a passenger, let alone driving during rush hour. So we visit my cousin, we eat at a restaurant called California, we go back to the house of the cousin we just visited, look at some old family pictures, and talk and talk and talk over old times since the last time I went to Mexico, which was twenty-nine years earlier. By the way, we started up the conversation right where we left off the last time I was there as if I had just left a few days before.

At 3:00 p.m. sharp, my cousin announces that we’re leaving immediately in order to avoid the rush-hour traffic. My cousin’s husband says that we can’t leave his house without first drinking some tequila together. That would reflect poorly on their hospitality. Besides, how could I go to Mexico and not drink tequila?

As the guest of honor, he served me tequila in his very own special tequila shot glass that was wrapped in specially treated tan leather with his name embossed on the leather. How could I say no to this shot of tequila? So we all had a shot of tequila as we were standing to leave. Sure enough, we all start talking about when my cousin came to visit Chicago in 1979. As luck would have it, I was in California in the Marines at the time. So we all sit down to hear about her trip to Chicago and how she almost saw snow because the weatherman predicted a snowstorm, but then there was only a light dusting of snow.

Of course, this called for another shot of tequila! Which no one refused, including me because I always try to be polite and eat and drink everything that is served to me. (You’d be surprised at how polite I can be when food or tequila is involved!) Then it occurs to our host that if you drink tequila you should drink it properly. So he serves us another shot of tequila, but this time he passes around a bowl of lime slices and a salt shaker. That’s how Mexicans really drink tequila! You squeeze some lime juice on the side of your fist, shake some salt on the lime juice, you drink the tequila shot in one gulp, and then lick the lime juice and salt afterwards. Well, we down a few more tequila shots the proper Mexican way and then our host said he had to go to work to take care of some business, but when he returned, he would bring back some food for supper.

The tequila had long ago been consumed and we were left to our own devices to entertain ourselves. Actually, for Mexicans like my aunt, my cousins, and I, we merely entertain ourselves by talking about what we did in the past since the last time we saw each other. In fact, I spent most of my trip just sitting around talking to my relatives bringing myself up to date on their lives. Well, it’s after six p.m. and our host still hasn’t returned. His wife calls him on his cell phone and it turns out that he’s stuck in rush-hour traffic. When he finally returns, he returns empty-handed. We’re all extremely famished by this time. So we all pile into two minivans and go to their favorite restaurant in town. We eat supper and spend a couple of hours talking over our food. By the way, we’re still saying good-bye since three p.m.! We eventually return to my cousin’s house about 9:30 p.m.! However, we did manage to avoid Mexico City’s infamous rush-hour traffic! I have to admit that it was my longest good-bye ever, even by Mexican standards. But it was also one of the most entertaining.

Okay, let me just blurt this out and be off. ¡Adiós!

DDR