I remember when my abuelita came to live with us in Chicago back in the 1960s. I liked having my grandmother living with us because she used to take care of me when both my parents went to work. She even protected me from my mother when she hit me a little too hard or a little too long.
I remember once for homework in the first grade I was supposed to read aloud from our reader to one of my parents. My father wasn’t home, so I went to my mother. She said she was too tired from work to help me do my homework. I told her that all she had to do was listen to me read. The reader was quite simple: “See David. See Ann.” And so on. I didn’t even know that much English at the time.
Anyway, my mother didn’t want to be bothered by me. I kept begging her to listen to me. Finally, my abuelita said that I should read to her. I wasn’t sure if she could help me to read this book. At first, I hesitated because not only did she not know English, but she was also blind. One of the reasons she came to Chicago was to get eye surgery.
Okay, as a true Chicagoan and Chicago Bears fan, I cannot contain myself anymore and I must have my say about the outcome of today’s Super Bowl. My sons asked me who I wanted to win the Super Bowl. The New England Patriots, I said without even hesitating. They were amazed because they wanted the New York Giants to win. But that’s understandable because they don’t know Chicago History.
I’ll never forget the horrendous disaster that occurred on December 2, 1985–a disaster in Chicago History that ranks right up there with the 1812 Fort Dearborn Massacre, the 1871 Chicago Fire, and the 1992 Chicago Flood! Yes, I’m talking about the Chicago Bears loss to the Miami Dolphins in what would have been the perfect romp to Super Bowl XX. Yes, the Chicago Bears won the Super Bowl, but their record was slightly diminished. Their nearly perfect season was reduced to a mere 18-1 record by the Dolphins who held the record of 17-0 for the most wins in a season. Okay, so that’s why I want the New England Patriots to win tonight’s Super Bowl and go on to a perfect record of 19-0. Just so they can beat Miami’s perfect season of 1972.
Only then will I feel vindicated over that Bears’ loss to Miami, oh, so long ago, even though the wounds are still fresh in my heart! Go, Patriots!
Americans take English for granted. They also accept all foreign borrowings into the English language without any qualms, which is the reason that English has the largest vocabulary of any language on Earth. There are many words of Spanish origin and actual Spanish words in our English vocabulary and everyone uses them without realizing it.
For example, on the news they’ll talk of military juntas. For years, people have been going to rodeos and watching cowboys lasso calves. Let’s not forget about the countless times we went to the plaza with gusto. Of course, many people eat tortilla chips with salsa. Let’s not forget about our famous politicians who use Spanish phrases to court the Hispanic vote. President Bush has said good-bye by saying, “¡Adiós, amigos!” and Arnold Schwarzenegger by saying, “¡Hasta la vista, baby!” In the office, we occasionally need something done ASAP! But sometimes, we need it “¡Pronto!“
Those tasty avocados come from the Aztec word for testicles. I hope I didn’t cause you to drop your tortilla chip full of guacamole! That reminds me. When we’re hungry, we often eat tacos, tamales, quesadillas, bocadas, and eat flan for dessert. When someone asks you a stupid question, you may say, “Does chili come with con carne?” Sometimes we want to be moderate and not go all the way, but other times we want the whole enchilada! If we really love something, we become an aficionado of the thing we truly love. Occasionally, we stray from the path to eternal salvation and commit pecadillos. And if anyone disagrees with me about these words of Spanish origin, I will take you on mano a mano. Because I know how to take care of número uno!
Sometimes Spanish textbooks inadvertently include words that invoke negative connotations or just plain poor choices.
For example, I’ve seen some books include “tonto” in the glossary as meaning, “silly” or “foolish.” Yes, it does mean that, but in general, no Spanish-speaker uses that word unless they really want to insult someone. “Tonto” is practically a swear word in almost every context.
I always warn students not to use this word, and if they do, they should be prepared to be punched. I saw one book explain the diminutive of words like “casa” changing to “casita,” and “hijo” changing to “hijito.” That’s all well and good, but then the textbook gave the example of “mamá” changing to “mamacita.” In real life, no Spanish speaker would call their mother “mamacita.” The only time you really hear “mamacita” is when the vato on the corner is flirting with a girl walking by and he says, “¡Oye, mamacita! ¡Qué chula estás!“
Another book bothered me with its choice of negative examples. I prefer something that offers positive reinforcement, but, no, this textbook in explaining comparisons of inequality stated, “Estos estudiantes son más estúpidos que esos estudiantes.” What kind of thing is that to say in a classroom? “These students are stupider that than those students.”
I used one textbook with all these ambiguous illustrations that didn’t really clarify the lesson at all. In one of the drawings for the lesson on reflexive and reciprocal sentences, one cowboy is removing the boot off the foot of another cowboy! Every class of mine that looked at the drawing always laughed when we did the exercise. I would just tell them it was a scene taken from Brokeback Mountain.
Believe it or not, I once used to be a joke writer. Of course, I’m exaggerating when I call myself a joke writer. In high school, I sent off a few dozen jokes to some of the magazines I used to read. I was actually paid five dollars for a joke that they printed. But I can’t even remember the joke.
Before I built up the courage to be a standup comedian, I wrote a lot of jokes. My mother and I loved to tell each other jokes, so one Christmas she gave me a subscription to a joke magazine called Ribticklers and Kneeslappers. I really loved reading that magazine because of the jokes in there. Of course, I soon thought up a few jokes and sent them in. They published one and printed my name in the magazine, but I don’t remember if they paid me anything or not. However, I do remember the joke, the only one they published: The receptionist tells her boss, “You have a client on the phone.” And the boss says, “Well, tell him to get off of it before he breaks it!” With jokes like that, I still can’t figure out why I never made it as a professional comedy writer.
As a comedian, I wrote my own jokes, but I also had some help from my friends. I also helped tweak jokes for my fellow comedians. During this time, I responded to an ad for a comedy writer for a comedian in California. She described herself and her act and I sent her about twenty-five jokes. Out of all those jokes, she eventually bought one for five dollars and returned the rest. I was also going to write for a local cable TV comedy sitcom. We met a few times and then the show was cancelled. Of course, because I was a standup comedian, I was offered to write a humor column for the Chicago Area Runners Association in their magazine, The Finish Line. For about two years I was Dear Dr. Sidestitch who offered runners humorous advice, which led to me publishing a few humorous running stories in the Illinois Runner and other publications.
At Derby Foods, our parent company Beatrice had a caption contest in the company publication. They provided four historical photos of the factory scenes and we had to provide a caption. I submitted captions for all four pictures and I was sure that I would for all four pictures. But alas, I only won the caption contest for only one picture. I don’t really remember the caption now, but everyone at work thought it was funny. And I received fifty dollars for my caption!
Chicago USA 