Decisions, decisions. My wife bought a poster of Vincen Van Gogh’s Sunflowers that she wanted to frame and hangup in the house. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any frames suitable for the job. So, I bought the above-shown frame online. This is the picture of the frame exactly as I received it. Yes, that’s the Eiffel Tower! Beautiful picture! Right!
Well, I was so tempted to hang up the frame as is! Of course, that didn’t happen. Van Gogh’s Sunflowers is now displayed in our living room. My wife didn’t tell me what she did with the Eiffel Tower picture.
One of my adolescent boyhood heroes was Evel Knievel.
I always spent a lot of time riding my bike whenever I was bored. Then I learned to do wheelies, ride down the park fieldhouse stairs, and see how far I could ride from home. I also delivered the afternoon newspapers riding my bike.
Then, I discovered Evel Knievel! By accident. And I mean that by coincidence, but also by accident. The first time I saw him on TV was on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. They showed a video of his famous and disastrous jump at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. I was extremely impressed by how Evel had survived the crash and even gained notoriety from it.
This sounds crazy as I look back at my former teenage self, but I wanted to be just like Evel Knievel! Crash and all!
My father knew how much I admired Evel Knievel, so he asked if I was interested in seeing Evel Knievel jump in person. Of course, I was! Well, in February of 1972, my father and I went to the Chicago International Amphitheater to see Evel Knievel!
The place was packed. There was no stadium seating. In fact, there were no seats at all. A typical Chicago wood and wire snow fence separated the crowd from Evel’s Harley Davidson XR 750. Evel spoke to the crowd, and everyone tried to get closer to the fence. I was only five feet tall at the time, so I could only see Evel at the top of the ramp as he spoke, but not when he raced back and forth on his motorcycle.
My father wanted me to see, so we pushed our way through the crowd to get closer to the fence. We got up to a supporting steel beam where no one stood because of the poor visibility. My father had me go on his shoulders and hold on to the beam. My head was two feet above the crowd and now I could see everything!
My father asked me if I could see, and I said, “Yes! But now you can’t see Evel.” And he said, “That’s okay. I’m happy that you can see!” And see I did! Evel jumped over the cars. And then, as a surprise, he rode his jet-powered motorcycle that he would use to jump over the Snake River Canyon in Idaho. He wanted to jump over the Grand Canyon, but he couldn’t get permission.
Inspired by Evel Knievel’s performance, I set up a ramp in the alley behind our house. The ramp consisted of an old picnic tabletop propped up by bricks. Since the table was two inches thick, I used a 1/8″ sheet of plywood to ride up on the picnic tabletop to have a smoother takeoff.
We started by jumping short distances and then increasing them until I was the only one attempting them once we got past six feet. The neighborhood kids would gather round to watch my jumps. Then someone suggested that I should jump over something to make the jumps more interesting. So, I put some empty cardboard boxes two feet tall to jump over. I figured since they were empty, they would collapse if I hit them. Boy was I wrong!
I wasn’t particularly good at math, and I had never studied physics, so I estimated the distance I could clear from my previous jumps. I finally reached about 25 feet. I decided to break the 1968 Mexico Olympic long jump record of twenty-nine feet, 2 1/2 inches by Bob Beamon.
I set up the boxes for thirty feet. I made a couple of runs past the ramp to build up the excitement, just like Evel Knievel. When I finally jumped, my rear wheel grazed the last cardboard box causing me to land front wheel first, crashing, and rolling like Evel Knievel. Luckily, I had learned to tumble correctly, so I tucked my head into my chest and arched my back allowing me to roll forward with the momentum. Surprisingly, I didn’t suffer any broken bones or scrapes.
And just to show exactly how tough I was, I attempted the jump immediately afterward. Of course, I made some mental adjustments. This time I cleared the boxes with room to spare!
I was so inspired by my feat that I wrote a letter to my local TV news station describing my stunt in detail. They always had a segment with local personalities. I typed it up so it would look more impressive. I wrote that I could perform my jumps for them. About a week later, I received a response. Well, not actually a response. They returned my letter with two handwritten notes on it. The first note said, “This would make a nice, light feature.” The second note said, “We do not want to encourage children to attempt this.”
That ended my career as an Evel Knievel wannabe. However, in hindsight, I now understand perfectly why they wouldn’t feature me on the local news.
I was very worried about the stock market going down, so I posted, “My 401K is now a 301K” on Facebook on Wednesday, March 12, 2025. The other night, on Wednesday, April 9, 2025, I heard Jimmy Kimmel tell my joke on his show. All I am saying is the I said it first.
Presently, everyone is worried about their retirement savings, so many people are worried about their investments. I’m sure I’m not the only one who had this feeling of financial discomfort.
You’re probably wondering why I’m not wearing glasses anymore. I recently had eye surgery. I have worn eyeglasses for most of my life. And now people don’t recognize me without my glasses. Lately, people have walked right past me without recognizing me. I finally understand why no one knew Clark Kent was Superman. Now I get it!
In grade school, I was nearsighted, so I had to sit in the front row so I could read the blackboard. Finally, the teacher told my parents that I had to go to an optometrist and get my eyes examined. I remember when I got my first pair of glasses. I was amazed at all the things that I couldn’t see before. I was like, “Wow! Corduroy has lines! Trees have leaves! The Chicago skyline is polluted!”
During my last eye exam, my optometrist told me that I had cataracts. He had seen them developing in my previous eye exams. He explained that with age, the lens beneath the cornea begins to cloud up, and that I would need cataract surgery to improve my vision. On a positive note, I have lived long enough to need cataract surgery.! And I have health insurance to pay for the treatment!
I watched an online video to see the procedure. Needless to say, the video simultaneously reassured me and frightened me.
At first, I was afraid to get cataract surgery. But I felt much better after meeting the ophthalmologist. During the evaluation, I was evaluating the doctor. I kept watching his hands to see if they were steady. Because he was going to perform microsurgery on my eyes. He gave me a firm handshake. Okay, so far, so good. And he wrote all his notes with a very steady hand. I could even read his handwriting. I felt much better. And he didn’t wear glasses.
Now, I have twenty-twenty vision for distance. Which is great. But now I need glasses to read.
Right after the surgery, I couldn’t read anything up close. So, I borrowed my wife’s glasses to read. They were great as long as I was in the privacy of my own home. My wife’s reading glasses are those cat lady glasses, with a cheetah pattern. They were great for reading, but then I forgot to turn off the camera during a Zoom meeting. I was really embarrassed, but I have to admit that I did look fabulous!
So, I bought these cheap reading glasses from Walgreens that I wore until I got my new prescription.
Since I was in grade school, I have wanted to be a standup comedian. (Many comedians I know have told me the same thing.) So, since I was little, I have been watching comedians, mostly on TV and in the movies. When I was older and I started working, I began going to watch comedians perform in person. I enjoy watching comedians much more than I enjoy performing. But when I perform at my local comedy clubs, I get to see many comedians.
Emo Philips, Jim Harmon, and DDR in Mason City, Illiois
Here is a list of the famous comedians I have seen in person:
(in alphabetical order by last name)
• Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick • Frank Caliendo • John Caponera • Bill Cosby • Tom Dreesen • Gallagher • Greg Glienna • Jay Leno • Robert Klein • Eddie Murphy • Emo Philips • Yakov Smirnov • Judy Tenuta • Carrot Top • Henny Youngman
Chicago USA 