I had one last chance to see John Cleese before he died. I hope I don’t sound rude and obnoxious, but that’s how John Cleese billed his show at The Vic that I saw on Thursday, June 13, 2024. He was very entertaining even when referring to his impending mortality.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from his performance. After I bought the tickets, I read that sometimes John Cleese showed the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail at the end. Well, I could watch the movie on my own if I wanted to see it since I own it on DVD along with other Monty Python shows and movies.
Instead, John explained some of the background to their shows and movies, which was very entertaining. He explained how the family name had actually been Cheese, but his grandfather (or maybe it was his great grandfather) decided to change the family name to Cleese (but it rhymed with cheese).
I really enjoyed the show! He showed clips from previous TV shows. He also told some politically incorrect jokes, which the audience loved. When you’re old you can get away with such humor. Plus, the audience consisted of diehard Monty Python fans who were accustomed to such humor. Some of those offensive jokes were very funny and the audience roared with laughter. I know you would like to hear a few of those jokes, but I dare not repeat them.
Whether or not John Cleese will die now that I have seen him, remains doubtful. I’m sure I’ll cry, “False advertising!” when goes on tour again. We shall see.
One of my favorite comedy clubs is The Comedy Vault in Batavia, Illinois. I used to go there for their open mic because there was usually a decent sized audience for an open mic. This was also my way of sociallizing because all the comedians got to know each other and looked forward to meeting up again.
My favorite part of The Comedy Vault decor was the comedian quotes that were posted on the wall. All the good comedians have a few lines that can be quoted out of context and still sound funny. Well, I have compiled the comedians’ quotation that decked the walls of The Comedy Vault. Here they are, in no particular order.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’r ugly, too!
–Rodney Dangerfield
I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived for far too long, “fuck” isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.
–Lewis Black
If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes, and CDs and burn them.
–Bill Hicks
If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid!
–Eddie Izzard
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
–Chris Rock
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
–Mitch Hedberg
I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because thos people are out of their fuckin’ minds. You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you.
–Tom Segura
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
–Steve Martin
When did the avocado toast become the new crack cocaine?
–Whiney Cummings
Don’t bother me while I’m eating, or when I’m coming out of the crack house or something. Just let me get going.
–Wanda Sykes
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
–Joan Rivers
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.
–Chris Rock
I don’t like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint so I couldn’t say shit to the guy.
–Dave Chappelle
You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve see your own baby drowned in a tub. And you don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.
–Anthony Jeselnik
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.
–Ron White
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
–Mitch Hedbeberg
Ah, yes, divorce… From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
–Robin Williams
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
–Rodney Dangerfield
You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you gave him permission to be. Every man has unlimited pig-tential.
–Tom Segura
7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
–Stephen Wright
All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.
–Dave Chappelle
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
–George Carlin
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
–Robin Williams
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel, isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance, too?
–Bill Hicks
I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be hearlty. I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.
–Tom Segura
I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.
–Wanda Sykes
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
–George Carlin
I went to rehab (for alcoholism) in wine country, just to keep my options open.
–Robin Williams
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
–George Carlin
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
–Demetri Martin
My fake plants died because I did not pretened to water them.
–Mitch Hedberg
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
I was fortunate enough to be selected to perform at the 8 at 8 at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora, Illinois. I felt this was a proud achievement for me as I struggle to improve as a standup comedian. Watch the video and you be the judge.
I will perform at The Comedy Shrine on Friday, March 6, 2020.
I was surprised to get asked to perform in the first place. I have steadily improved my act over the last nine months since I started doing the standup comedy open mics again.
Just as everyone seems to be abandoning Facebook, standup comedians rely on it for maintaining contact with other comedians. First, I received a friend request, which I immediately accepted because it was from a comedian I had seen perform. After I accepted his friend request, he then messaged me asking me if I had ten minutes of material. When I said I did, he asked me if I wanted to perform at The Comedy Shrine on Friday, March 6, 2020. Of course, I did!
And to think that someone else noticed that my act was improving. The pay for this show will be a videotape of my performance. So now I have to drum some audience members so we have a full house for the videotaping.
Okay, as you’ve probably already guessed, yes, that’s why I’m writing this post! I would like to invite all my readers to come out to The Comedy Shrine to come see me perform standup comedy. Of course, there will be other great standup comedians, too. If you see the show, your laughter will also be recorded!
Chicago USA 