F.M. & A.M.


George Carlin / F.M. & A.M. (1972)

I love standup comedy and standup comedians. One of my all-time favorites is George Carlin. I saw him on TV many times as a pre-teen and a teenager. When I was in high school, I bought his F.M. & A.M. album. I listened to it so many times that the sound quality was compromised. When my friends would visit, I would play it for them. And, when I visited friends, I would take the album to their home so we could listen to it. We never tired of listening to it. In fact, we could recite many of his comedy bits from memory.

One day, as we were listening to the album, my friend Bill asked to see the album cover. He started reading from the back of the album. I had never noticed the text that he was reading before. Around the picture of George Carlin on the back cover, in tiny little text, were the sayings that Bill was reading. We laughed at these sayings as he read them. They were a surprise bonus to the album. Why had I never noticed them before?

Well, a few months ago, a Facebook friend of mine bought this album at a vintage record store. Suddenly, I remembered the sayings on the back of Carlin’s album. No one I knew had ever mentioned those sayings before. Suddenly, I had this urge to read those sayings again. I had looked for a picture of the back album cover over the years so I could read them again. Unsuccessfully.

I asked my friend Jim if he happened to have this album. He has quite a collection of comedy albums. In fact, when he went to college, he introduced me to Bob Newhart and other comics I had never heard of. Anyway, Jim did not have this album in his collection. He had listened to this album with me several times, at my house and his. But he did find it listed on eBaya and he sent me the link. I was not interested in buying the vinyl LP again. In fact, ever since I got rid of my vinyl collection of albums, I have not had the urge to buy more vinyl LPs, even though they are now trending.

Well, I copied down the sayings on the back album cover and I have reprinted them here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

  • Nixon is soft on fascism.
  • The gross national product is gross.
  • Elephantiasis does not improve the memory.
  • Mothers’ milk lead to heroin.
  • If you break a crumb in half, you have two crumbs.
  • When stepping on the brake, your life is in your foot’s hands.
  • The U.S. Plywood building is made of steel and stone.
  • There are no two dandruff flakes alike.
  • Beer nuts is the official disease of Milwaukee.
  • Everyone over 110 is out of work.
  • Rose Kennedy wears a natural.
  • The Vatican police speak Pig Latin.
  • Recycle confetti.
  • No two ways about it, there are two sides to every story.
  • Edward Cayce was not a medium. He was an extra-large.
  • Give a Shriner a shiner.
  • Ralph Nader passes on the right.
  • The Vietnam War is alive and well and living in Laos.
  • An octoroon is an eight-sided cookie.
  • It takes two dwarves to mail a letter.
  • A car raising contest is a jack-off.
  • Hire the handicapped, but don’t let them take your rectal temperature.
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DDR

Renaissance Faire


Queen Elizabeth

I went to the Renaissance Faire in Bristol, Wisconsin, in August. I enjoy going every year because I love the entertainment and the ambience of the venue. I used to go with friends or family. I even went on a first date to the Ren Faire. There was no second date. I’ll explain later.

The last few years, I went alone. I couldn’t find anyone who would go with me. I really wanted to return to the Ren Faire, so I went alone. Why should I miss out on this great event just because no one will go with me? The people I asked to ge with me thought I was weird, or that the Ren Faire was weird. I enjoy watching all the shows and watching the spectators enjoy the show.

Some people enjoy dressing up in Renaissance costumes. Of course, there are a wide variety of other costumes from fantasy or science fiction movies. And no one there thinks it weird that people dress up in their favorite character. It’s truly a no judgment zone. I don’t dress up in a costume myself, but no one judges me for that, either. Nor for being there alone.

I have a comedian friend, Kyle, who had never been to the Ren Faire. He and another comedian, Jay, suggested we get a bunch of comedians together to go to a haunted house for Halloween. Since it was July, I recommended that we go the Ren Faire first. Neither one had been, nor had any idea what it was about. However, they did think it was weird that I suggested it as a group trip. They asked who I was going with. I had to admit I was going alone. Because no one else was interested in going with me. Later in the summer, he asked me if I went to the Ren Faire, and I told him I did. For the past three years, he has asked me if I went, and I always answer yes. This year, Kyle saw me after I went to the Ren Faire. He told me, “I went to the Renaissance Faire this weekend. It was cool!” I was very surprised.

Regarding my going on a first date to the Ren Faire, my date Natalie and I, on our first and only date, went to the Ren Faire on a very hot summer July day. At first, I thought we would hit it off. But then she was too critical of everyone there. Things were progressing poorly until they got worse. That occurred when me met a man dressed as a Viking. Perhaps, “dressed” is the wrong word because he honestly believed he was a real Viking. Or perhaps he was an excellent actor. Well, my date, Natalie, if that was her real name I’ll never know, started critiquing his outfit, saying he shouldn’t have a squirrel pelt as part of his apparel. She also lambasted him for not being able to speak the Viking language, which not one of the three of say with certainty what language a Viking would speak. We continued speaking in English for the rest of the conversation. She ended our chat by telling the Viking that he wasn’t authentic enough, which offended him greatly. So much so, that he temporarily unsheathed his sword.

We left shortly after that. We agreed to call each other for a second date, but neither of us called the other. After that, I now go to the Renaissance Faire alone.

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DDR

Walmart


Coffeemakers at Walmart

I enjoy starting my day with a hot cup of coffee. But the other day, my coffee maker broke. And I couldn’t wait 48 hours for Amazon to deliver a new one. So, I went to Walmart to buy a new coffee maker. But I made the mistake of wearing my blue polo shirt. As I’m checking out the coffee makers, an elderly woman starts asking me questions about the coffee makers. I was able to answer all her questions! I had done my research! She finally picks out a coffeemaker. As I’m putting it into her cart, two Walmart employees walk up to me. And I’m like, “Uh, oh! I’m in trouble!” They tell me, “Hey! It’s break time!” So, I go to the break room. I have a cup of coffee. Well, to make a long story short, on Sunday, I’m subbing for Sheila. And I bought a coffee maker with my employee discount. I felt so accomplished!

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DDR

Picture frames


New picture frame

Decisions, decisions. My wife bought a poster of Vincen Van Gogh’s Sunflowers that she wanted to frame and hangup in the house. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any frames suitable for the job. So, I bought the above-shown frame online. This is the picture of the frame exactly as I received it. Yes, that’s the Eiffel Tower! Beautiful picture! Right!

Well, I was so tempted to hang up the frame as is! Of course, that didn’t happen. Van Gogh’s Sunflowers is now displayed in our living room. My wife didn’t tell me what she did with the Eiffel Tower picture.

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Evel Knievel


Evel Knievel

One of my adolescent boyhood heroes was Evel Knievel.

I always spent a lot of time riding my bike whenever I was bored. Then I learned to do wheelies, ride down the park fieldhouse stairs, and see how far I could ride from home. I also delivered the afternoon newspapers riding my bike.

Then, I discovered Evel Knievel! By accident. And I mean that by coincidence, but also by accident. The first time I saw him on TV was on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. They showed a video of his famous and disastrous jump at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. I was extremely impressed by how Evel had survived the crash and even gained notoriety from it.

This sounds crazy as I look back at my former teenage self, but I wanted to be just like Evel Knievel! Crash and all!

My father knew how much I admired Evel Knievel, so he asked if I was interested in seeing Evel Knievel jump in person. Of course, I was! Well, in February of 1972, my father and I went to the Chicago International Amphitheater to see Evel Knievel!

The place was packed. There was no stadium seating. In fact, there were no seats at all. A typical Chicago wood and wire snow fence separated the crowd from Evel’s Harley Davidson XR 750. Evel spoke to the crowd, and everyone tried to get closer to the fence. I was only five feet tall at the time, so I could only see Evel at the top of the ramp as he spoke, but not when he raced back and forth on his motorcycle.

My father wanted me to see, so we pushed our way through the crowd to get closer to the fence. We got up to a supporting steel beam where no one stood because of the poor visibility. My father had me go on his shoulders and hold on to the beam. My head was two feet above the crowd and now I could see everything!

My father asked me if I could see, and I said, “Yes! But now you can’t see Evel.” And he said, “That’s okay. I’m happy that you can see!” And see I did! Evel jumped over the cars. And then, as a surprise, he rode his jet-powered motorcycle that he would use to jump over the Snake River Canyon in Idaho. He wanted to jump over the Grand Canyon, but he couldn’t get permission.

Inspired by Evel Knievel’s performance, I set up a ramp in the alley behind our house. The ramp consisted of an old picnic tabletop propped up by bricks. Since the table was two inches thick, I used a 1/8″ sheet of plywood to ride up on the picnic tabletop to have a smoother takeoff.

We started by jumping short distances and then increasing them until I was the only one attempting them once we got past six feet. The neighborhood kids would gather round to watch my jumps. Then someone suggested that I should jump over something to make the jumps more interesting. So, I put some empty cardboard boxes two feet tall to jump over. I figured since they were empty, they would collapse if I hit them. Boy was I wrong!

I wasn’t particularly good at math, and I had never studied physics, so I estimated the distance I could clear from my previous jumps. I finally reached about 25 feet. I decided to break the 1968 Mexico Olympic long jump record of twenty-nine feet, 2 1/2 inches by Bob Beamon.

I set up the boxes for thirty feet. I made a couple of runs past the ramp to build up the excitement, just like Evel Knievel. When I finally jumped, my rear wheel grazed the last cardboard box causing me to land front wheel first, crashing, and rolling like Evel Knievel. Luckily, I had learned to tumble correctly, so I tucked my head into my chest and arched my back allowing me to roll forward with the momentum. Surprisingly, I didn’t suffer any broken bones or scrapes.

And just to show exactly how tough I was, I attempted the jump immediately afterward. Of course, I made some mental adjustments. This time I cleared the boxes with room to spare!

I was so inspired by my feat that I wrote a letter to my local TV news station describing my stunt in detail. They always had a segment with local personalities. I typed it up so it would look more impressive. I wrote that I could perform my jumps for them. About a week later, I received a response. Well, not actually a response. They returned my letter with two handwritten notes on it. The first note said, “This would make a nice, light feature.” The second note said, “We do not want to encourage children to attempt this.”

That ended my career as an Evel Knievel wannabe. However, in hindsight, I now understand perfectly why they wouldn’t feature me on the local news.

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DDR