Author: David Diego Rodríguez, Ph.D.

I teach Spanish and I am a standup comedian.

My mother the coyote


Immigration issues seem to surpass the Iraq war criticism on some days. Of course, I have always thought about immigration, legal or otherwise, since I was little. I was born in Perth Amboy, New Jersey, so I am an American citizen by birth. However, I have known legal and illegal immigrants from many countries who have settled in Chicago. As long as they assimilated to the American way, no one gave them any trouble.

My mother once brought her sister and her family to Chicago illegally and my mother didn’t think she did anything wrong because she was helping her sister improve her lot in life. Back in 1980 when I was still in the Marine Corps, my mother drove her van down to Mexico, picked up her sister and her children, and drove them to the Mexico-Texas border where my mother dropped them off. My mother, a legal U.S. citizen, then drove through customs into the U.S. and went to the Rio Grande where she picked up her sister and her children after they had crossed the river in inner tubes. It was that easy! They then drove to Chicago without a problem.

When I came home from the Marines on leave, my aunt and cousins were temporarily living with my mother. “Good morning!” they greeted me with a heavy Mexican accent. They wanted to learn English immediately. Eventually, they adapted to American life quite well.

Everyone seemed alarmed after all the immigration marches last year when they realized that there are approximately 12 million illegal aliens, most them Mexican. No one should be surprised since it’s so easy to enter the U.S. illegally. Most of our borders are unprotected. Anyone who really wants to enter the U.S. will find a way; some ways are easier than others. And the federal government never really tried to prevent everyone from entering illegally in the first place.

Occasionally, the feds conduct cursory raids of a few factories to round up a few hundred, out of 12 million, illegal aliens and deport them. The government turns a blind eye to this illegal immigration because factories, farms, and businesses need employees. Sometimes only illegal aliens are willing to take those jobs, regardless of the complaints that they’re taking away jobs from Americans. These jobs were vacant until filled by illegal immigrants who really wanted to work regardless of the substandard wages and working conditions, at least by American standards.

The immigration issue will not be easily resolved until the immigration laws already in effect are strictly enforced. Until then, we shall see politics as usual with no true immigration reform.

DDR

Ask Marilyn


From the Chicago Tribune Parade Magazine.

I have always been different from everyone else around me. Even as a boy, when my friends were gaga over the bikini-clad girls, I was always attracted to the librarian-type, glasses- wearing, bookworm type of girl. I don’t know why, but I have always fallen for the intelligent girl.

In grade school, I had a crush on the smartest girl in the class, who, incidentally, was also the smartest student in the class. In high school, during study hall, we had the option to go to the library instead. I spent every study period in the library reading books of all sorts, instead of doing my homework or studying for my classes. The school librarian took a liking to me and invited me to Springfield, Illinois, for the Future Librarians of America Club field trip. I only went because I knew that I could then spend more time talking to the student librarian who was also in my Physics class. I had a really big crush on her, so I went on this librarian field trip.

Anyway, my latest crush is on Marilyn vos Savant who is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records Hall of Fame for “Highest IQ.” I read her Ask Marilyn column religiously and I’m always amazed by how well she answers her mail with a wry sense of humor. I’ve been meaning to e-mail Marilyn, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t gotten around to it. Nevertheless, when I finish up my to-do list, I have a few questions that I would like to Ask Marilyn.

  1. Did Microsoft make Solitaire more difficult to win so that employees become more productive?
  2. When you turn on a light, does the light bulb gain weight?
  3. When my toast falls, why does it always land buttered-side down?

Nonetheless, these are easy questions for Marilyn since she is so intelligent anyway. Therefore, I’m sure she could answer some of my more deeply profound and philosophical questions. I have quite a few of those questions. Below are a few examples of some of my more ontological question and is not intended as a comprehensive list.

  1. Why do my sons stop listening to their favorite rock band when they realize that I like their music, too?
  2. If the Chicago White Sox board the Red Line from the Southside at the same time that the Chicago Cubs board it on the north side, who arrives at the World Series first?
  3. Why do I only receive important phone calls when I am sitting on the toilet suffering from the runs?

If Marilyn answers these questions, I will never doubt her intelligence (not that I ever did in the first place). I have always meant to e-mail these questions to her, but I’m sure she’s too busy to answer me personally. So here they are for my loyal readers to ponder.

DDR

High on LSD


This sign is not on Lake Shore Drive.

If I now have your attention, I would like to inform you that, yes, indeed, I am still high from my drive this morning on Lake Shore Drive. That’s LSD as in the acronym for Lake Shore Drive and not the hallucinogenic drug (for those of you who are actually high on LSD).

I have always loved cruising on LSD! I mean, Lake Shore Drive. I love it! LSD begins/ends at Hollywood on the north end; I’m not sure where it begins/ends on the south end because every time I passed the Museum of Science and Industry, I would mysteriously find myself NOT on LSD.

There is something very relaxing about driving on Chicago’s lakefront on a beautiful, sunny day. I have so many fond memories of my earliest driving days of speeding on LSD in my buccaneer red 1975 Pontiac Firebird in 1975 when I was only eighteen. Whenever I felt depressed, or extremely happy for that matter, I would cruise up one end of LSD and then back to the other, for no practical reason other than it was FUN! You see, I loved driving my car! Despite all the usual problems of an eighteen year old, I drove a brand new Firebird that I bought all by myself!

Every time I drove on LSD, I played special driving songs on my car 8-Track player: “I’m in Love with my Car” by Queen, “Ventura Highway” by America, “Highway Star” by Deep Purple, “Auto Bahn” by Kraftwerk, and of course, “Lake Shore Drive” by Aliotta, Haynes, and Jeremiah.

LSD was so soothing since I was under so much stress at the time. I was unhappy at home, I worked full-time on the midnight shift at the Derby Foods peanut butter factory while I was still in high school. Driving was a nice emotional release from all my problems.

So, this morning as I’m driving on LSD, I had this incredible flashback to the days of my youth when I was to know what it meant to be a man. Oops, I just quoted Led Zeppelin, another favorite of mine. I kind of miss my 8-track player now.

DDR

English only


Chicago, Illinois

Everyone in America wants to speak English—even immigrants. To function in this country, to get ahead in this country, you must speak English. However, not everyone will learn to speak English, no matter how much government officials demand it. Carpentersville, Illinois, even went so far as to pass a municipal ordinance that mandates English as the official language. Will this motivate all immigrants to learn English? Not really. If anything, this will create some animosity toward the government on the part of the immigrants, whether they’re here legally or not.

Most immigrants learn just enough English to get by on. Of those who do master English, not all of them will lose their foreign accents. That’s just the reality of learning English. Think of Henry Kissinger, who spoke fluent English, but never overcame his accent. However, he spoke fluent English. Nevertheless, someone like California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger should be careful how he encourages people to learn English. Yes, he learned enough English to get by on when he came to this country, but he seems to direct himself only toward Spanish speakers when he tells hundreds of Hispanic journalists that Latinos must stop watching Spanish-language television in order to learn English.

There are immigrants from all over the world who speak many languages other than Spanish who should learn English. Living in Chicago, I have met some of those immigrants with whom I could not communicate in English or Spanish. As is typical of any immigrant group, the first generation learns only enough English to get by on, if that much. The second generation is bilingual, but by the third generation, most speak only English. Hispanics seem to be the exception to the rule. Many Americans equate being monolingual English speakers with assimilation into the American culture. Still, America is multicultural and can accommodate many cultures simultaneously. The English language is living proof that there is room for all cultures.

DDR

My comedy debut


Dr. D.’s debut at Sally’s Stage, Chicago, Illinois

Let tell you about my comedy debut. NOT! I stalled, I postponed, and I dreaded performing. Well, I actually wrote some jokes, I actually polished them, and I actually rehearsed them. However, I was not meant to perform at Open Mic night at Riddles Comedy Club this week. I honestly tried, but as fate would have it, Riddles changed their format on Thursday night to accommodate some comedians from out of town.

Last week when I went to Riddles for Open Mic, I sat in the back so I could observe. As preparation for my forthcoming comedy debut, I sat all the way up front near the stage. Just to get a feel for the stage. As you may have guessed, most of the comedians picked on me. I didn’t mind at all. Not that I usually like being the focus of attention, but this time, I actually did like being the focus of attention.

I think what I have always liked best about doing standup comedy was watching all the other comedians. You see, I love to laugh. So tonight was not a total waste of time because I got to observe again and learn. And I actually thought of some new jokes while watching the other comedians. On the other hand, I’m having second thoughts about actually going on stage and performing. Maybe I should focus more on my writing at this point. Some of the jokes that I wrote might actually come off better as something to read on the Internet.

As I was sitting in the front row during tonight’s show getting skewered by the comedians, I remembered back to a first date some twenty-something years ago. I met a certain Emily and we seemed to take a liking to each other. I really wanted to ask her out. At first, I didn’t think she would go out with me, well, because she was Irish and from Kentucky, and I was Mexican.

I finally asked her out and she said yes. Our first date was dinner followed by seeing a show at Zanies Comedy Club in Chicago. She loved comedy clubs and comedians. I asked her if she wouldn’t mind sitting in the front row with me. I told her, “I will never ask you for anything else again.” She agreed to sit in the front, and of course, we were picked on by all the comedians. I thought it was a lot of fun and Emily seemed to be enjoying the show, too.

I remember asking Emily at dinner if she knew any Rodriguezes. She said her grandmother’s last name was Rodriguez. Emily, it turns out was part Mexican, one-fourth Mexican to be exact. After the show, I took her home. And I never saw her again! I guess I never learned well about planning good first dates. But I did learn a lot about comedy and life that night.

That’s what I love about standup comedy. I learn so much about life!