I love standup comedy and standup comedians. One of my all-time favorites is George Carlin. I saw him on TV many times as a pre-teen and a teenager. When I was in high school, I bought his F.M. & A.M. album. I listened to it so many times that the sound quality was compromised. When my friends would visit, I would play it for them. And, when I visited friends, I would take the album to their home so we could listen to it. We never tired of listening to it. In fact, we could recite many of his comedy bits from memory.
One day, as we were listening to the album, my friend Bill asked to see the album cover. He started reading from the back of the album. I had never noticed the text that he was reading before. Around the picture of George Carlin on the back cover, in tiny little text, were the sayings that Bill was reading. We laughed at these sayings as he read them. They were a surprise bonus to the album. Why had I never noticed them before?
Well, a few months ago, a Facebook friend of mine bought this album at a vintage record store. Suddenly, I remembered the sayings on the back of Carlin’s album. No one I knew had ever mentioned those sayings before. Suddenly, I had this urge to read those sayings again. I had looked for a picture of the back album cover over the years so I could read them again. Unsuccessfully.
I asked my friend Jim if he happened to have this album. He has quite a collection of comedy albums. In fact, when he went to college, he introduced me to Bob Newhart and other comics I had never heard of. Anyway, Jim did not have this album in his collection. He had listened to this album with me several times, at my house and his. But he did find it listed on eBaya and he sent me the link. I was not interested in buying the vinyl LP again. In fact, ever since I got rid of my vinyl collection of albums, I have not had the urge to buy more vinyl LPs, even though they are now trending.
Well, I copied down the sayings on the back album cover and I have reprinted them here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
Nixon is soft on fascism.
The gross national product is gross.
Elephantiasis does not improve the memory.
Mothers’ milk lead to heroin.
If you break a crumb in half, you have two crumbs.
When stepping on the brake, your life is in your foot’s hands.
The U.S. Plywood building is made of steel and stone.
There are no two dandruff flakes alike.
Beer nuts is the official disease of Milwaukee.
Everyone over 110 is out of work.
Rose Kennedy wears a natural.
The Vatican police speak Pig Latin.
Recycle confetti.
No two ways about it, there are two sides to every story.
Edward Cayce was not a medium. He was an extra-large.
Give a Shriner a shiner.
Ralph Nader passes on the right.
The Vietnam War is alive and well and living in Laos.
An octoroon is an eight-sided cookie.
It takes two dwarves to mail a letter.
A car raising contest is a jack-off.
Hire the handicapped, but don’t let them take your rectal temperature.
I went to the Renaissance Faire in Bristol, Wisconsin, in August. I enjoy going every year because I love the entertainment and the ambience of the venue. I used to go with friends or family. I even went on a first date to the Ren Faire. There was no second date. I’ll explain later.
The last few years, I went alone. I couldn’t find anyone who would go with me. I really wanted to return to the Ren Faire, so I went alone. Why should I miss out on this great event just because no one will go with me? The people I asked to ge with me thought I was weird, or that the Ren Faire was weird. I enjoy watching all the shows and watching the spectators enjoy the show.
Some people enjoy dressing up in Renaissance costumes. Of course, there are a wide variety of other costumes from fantasy or science fiction movies. And no one there thinks it weird that people dress up in their favorite character. It’s truly a no judgment zone. I don’t dress up in a costume myself, but no one judges me for that, either. Nor for being there alone.
I have a comedian friend, Kyle, who had never been to the Ren Faire. He and another comedian, Jay, suggested we get a bunch of comedians together to go to a haunted house for Halloween. Since it was July, I recommended that we go the Ren Faire first. Neither one had been, nor had any idea what it was about. However, they did think it was weird that I suggested it as a group trip. They asked who I was going with. I had to admit I was going alone. Because no one else was interested in going with me. Later in the summer, he asked me if I went to the Ren Faire, and I told him I did. For the past three years, he has asked me if I went, and I always answer yes. This year, Kyle saw me after I went to the Ren Faire. He told me, “I went to the Renaissance Faire this weekend. It was cool!” I was very surprised.
Regarding my going on a first date to the Ren Faire, my date Natalie and I, on our first and only date, went to the Ren Faire on a very hot summer July day. At first, I thought we would hit it off. But then she was too critical of everyone there. Things were progressing poorly until they got worse. That occurred when me met a man dressed as a Viking. Perhaps, “dressed” is the wrong word because he honestly believed he was a real Viking. Or perhaps he was an excellent actor. Well, my date, Natalie, if that was her real name I’ll never know, started critiquing his outfit, saying he shouldn’t have a squirrel pelt as part of his apparel. She also lambasted him for not being able to speak the Viking language, which not one of the three of say with certainty what language a Viking would speak. We continued speaking in English for the rest of the conversation. She ended our chat by telling the Viking that he wasn’t authentic enough, which offended him greatly. So much so, that he temporarily unsheathed his sword.
We left shortly after that. We agreed to call each other for a second date, but neither of us called the other. After that, I now go to the Renaissance Faire alone.
I enjoy starting my day with a hot cup of coffee. But the other day, my coffee maker broke. And I couldn’t wait 48 hours for Amazon to deliver a new one. So, I went to Walmart to buy a new coffee maker. But I made the mistake of wearing my blue polo shirt. As I’m checking out the coffee makers, an elderly woman starts asking me questions about the coffee makers. I was able to answer all her questions! I had done my research! She finally picks out a coffeemaker. As I’m putting it into her cart, two Walmart employees walk up to me. And I’m like, “Uh, oh! I’m in trouble!” They tell me, “Hey! It’s break time!” So, I go to the break room. I have a cup of coffee. Well, to make a long story short, on Sunday, I’m subbing for Sheila. And I bought a coffee maker with my employee discount. I felt so accomplished!
Decisions, decisions. My wife bought a poster of Vincen Van Gogh’s Sunflowers that she wanted to frame and hangup in the house. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any frames suitable for the job. So, I bought the above-shown frame online. This is the picture of the frame exactly as I received it. Yes, that’s the Eiffel Tower! Beautiful picture! Right!
Well, I was so tempted to hang up the frame as is! Of course, that didn’t happen. Van Gogh’s Sunflowers is now displayed in our living room. My wife didn’t tell me what she did with the Eiffel Tower picture.
Chicago USA 