F.M. & A.M.

I love standup comedy and standup comedians. One of my all-time favorites is George Carlin. I saw him on TV many times as a pre-teen and a teenager. When I was in high school, I bought his F.M. & A.M. album. I listened to it so many times that the sound quality was compromised. When my friends would visit, I would play it for them. And, when I visited friends, I would take the album to their home so we could listen to it. We never tired of listening to it. In fact, we could recite many of his comedy bits from memory.

One day, as we were listening to the album, my friend Bill asked to see the album cover. He started reading from the back of the album. I had never noticed the text that he was reading before. Around the picture of George Carlin on the back cover, in tiny little text, were the sayings that Bill was reading. We laughed at these sayings as he read them. They were a surprise bonus to the album. Why had I never noticed them before?

Well, a few months ago, a Facebook friend of mine bought this album at a vintage record store. Suddenly, I remembered the sayings on the back of Carlin’s album. No one I knew had ever mentioned those sayings before. Suddenly, I had this urge to read those sayings again. I had looked for a picture of the back album cover over the years so I could read them again. Unsuccessfully.

I asked my friend Jim if he happened to have this album. He has quite a collection of comedy albums. In fact, when he went to college, he introduced me to Bob Newhart and other comics I had never heard of. Anyway, Jim did not have this album in his collection. He had listened to this album with me several times, at my house and his. But he did find it listed on eBaya and he sent me the link. I was not interested in buying the vinyl LP again. In fact, ever since I got rid of my vinyl collection of albums, I have not had the urge to buy more vinyl LPs, even though they are now trending.

Well, I copied down the sayings on the back album cover and I have reprinted them here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

• Nixon is soft on fascism.
• The gross national product is gross.
• Elephantiasis does not improve the memory.
• Mothers’ milk lead to heroin.
• If you break a crumb in half, you have two crumbs.
• When stepping on the brake, your life is in your foot’s hands.
• The U.S. Plywood building is made of steel and stone.
• There are no two dandruff flakes alike.
• Beer nuts is the official disease of Milwaukee.
• Everyone over 110 is out of work.
• Rose Kennedy wears a natural.
• The Vatican police speak Pig Latin.
• Recycle confetti.
• No two ways about it, there are two sides to every story.
• Edward Cayce was not a medium. He was an extra-large.
• Give a Shriner a shiner.
• Ralph Nader passes on the right.
• The Vietnam War is alive and well and living in Laos.
• An octoroon is an eight-sided cookie.
• It takes two dwarves to mail a letter.
• A car raising contest is a jack-off.
• Hire the handicapped, but don’t let them take your rectal temperature.