Roxanne

Roxanne always reminded me of The Police song of the same name. But she never did put out her red light because she was quite different. She was the first Amish girl I met on the Internet. In fact, she has been the only one.

Somehow, I don’t picture many Amish being on the Internet. But Roxanne’s life seemed to revolve around computers and the Internet. I met her in a chatroom soon after I was divorced. She was really attracted to me. For some strange reason, I am a stud on the Internet! I just can’t figure it out. I always seem to attract these twenty-seven-year-old women–they’re always twenty-seven–who want to be with me even after I tell them I’m twenty years older than them. I just don’t get it.

Anyway, one day I’m in a chatroom and Roxanne contacts me. We start talking and we seem to have many things in common. As soon as I learn that she is from Oklahoma, I tell her that she lives too far away from me. But she insists that she truly interested in me. I just figure that I shouldn’t get involved because we’ll never meet in person anyway.

I tell her that I’m twenty years older than her, but that doesn’t phase her, either. In fact, she’s very persistent. So we continue our private chat and I get to know her a little better. She works at a Cherokee souvenir shop somewhere in Oklahoma. She found this job while she was on the Internet. She lives in a trailer with a roommate whom she met on the Internet. Her life revolved around the Internet! And now she’s serious about meeting me in person.

I asked her how come she spent so much time on the Internet if she was Amish. She said that she wasn’t Amish anymore. I didn’t understand how that worked, so she explained to me how her ex-husband had asked her to convert and she did. I was even more confused after her explanation. She wanted to talk to me on the phone, so we talked a few times, and I was truly attracted to her because of her southern drawl. I don’t know why, but I always fall for a female with a southern drawl.

She desparately wanted to me, so I asked her to come to Chicago. She said she would and even sent me the longest love letter that anyone ever wrote to me. Well, it turns out that she couldn’t come all the way to Chicago. Against my better judgment, I agreed to meet her halfway. However, something always came up and she couldn’t make it. Then she met another friend Vivian on the Internet and we all agreed to meet a mutually convenient location. As it turns out, we never agreed on a mutually convenient location. I never became emotional involved, but I did enjoy all this attention. Eventually, we both agreed that we would never actually meet in person. She seemed happy when I told her that the only reason we wouldn’t meet was purely for geographical reasons. And I never heard from her again. I consider myself lucky.