My Halloween “costume”


Great America, Gurnee, Illinois

Okay, despite the fact that I really love Halloween, I really hate to put on a costume. I enjoy watching others wear costumes and I love going to Halloween parties. But I don’t like to pretend to be someone I’m not.

I went to my cousin’s Halloween party even though I didn’t want to dress up. She always insists that everyone wear a costume, so I didn’t want to disappoint her.  I also decided not to buy a costume even though I couldn’t think of one to make. My girlfriend offered many helpful suggestions, but I didn’t like any. Finally, an idea struck me, like a pumpkin striking my head. I took a white plastic garbage bag that I would wear over my body and I taped some children’s artwork on it, I put a grocery list on it too, and put some of the magnets from my refrigerator on it. I must admit that all that thinking and taping for a whole five minutes totally exhausted me! When I got to the Halloween party, everyone kept asking me what I was supposed to be. Would you believe that not one person guessed that I was supposed to be a refrigerator? However, I believe that I was asked the more questions than anyone else about my costume was supposed to be.

Needless to say, I didn’t win the costume contest!

My one superstition


I’m not a superstitious person by nature. However, I truly believe that it’s bad luck to talk about car accidents while driving. I’ve already had two car accidents while talking about car accidents while driving. Both cars were totaled. So if you’re ever in a car with me, don’t talk about car accidents. If you do, I will tell you to shut up. If you continue talking about car accidents, I will punch you. If we then get into a car accident, that will prove my that my superstiion is true. All because you were talking about car accidents!

Stop! I don't  want to get into an accident!!!

Little Caesar’s sign guy


He’s tireless. And that’s what makes him a great salesman. He stands on the corner of 103rd Street and Western Avenue perpetually waving his $5 Hot ‘n’ Ready Pizza sign. He wears a baseball cap over his gray hair, but he’s much more energetic than his age would indicate. He’s effective because he makes eye contact with potential customers driving by. I’ve bought a few pizzas because of him. My sons see him and immediately want me go into the mini strip mall parking lot as the sign guy points the way. Whenever he’s not there, his younger substitutes aren’t as effective or as tireless as the sign guy. One day as I drove past Little Caesar’s, I missed him when I didn’t see him out there hawking pizzas. But then, as I drove past 103rd Street and Kedzie Avenue, I saw the sign guy holding a different sign and directing future customers into the gas station on the corner!

Get your pizza here!

Ominous omen


Today, I saw two dead squirrels in Mount Greenwood and two more dead ones in Beverly. I find this unusual because I rarely see any dead squirrels. What happened to them? Three looked like they were killed in traffic, but one was on the sidewalk at the bottom of a tree. Is there some kind of epidemic? As I was driving home this afternoon, I saw a squirrel in the middle of the street eating an acorn. I would have run it over if I had not swerved to avoid it. It didn’t even budge!

Please help me!